I'm watching you

If there is one thing well done in my life, it's my relationship with you.
What I like the most is the sincerity.
I know I do not need to lie.
I can tell you whatever crosses my mind.
what a relief.

Caos Calmo

The way he escapes pain. The way he pretends. The way he makes his lists, the airlines he flew, the houses he lived in. That way of surviving the loss is so much real.

today i almost threw up during my yoga class.
and even now i'm not feeling well.


sometimes i'm afraid i've become bitter.
do not like it at all but this is what it is.

Arrived

I'm in Italy.

the first day of rain.
the last one was January maybe.

Lella costa at parla con me.
she is great.

Once upon a time

I have become a good wise girl.
How the hell did it happen?

Ilaria d'Amico at l'era glaciale
she decided to have a baby before 35.
she is 34 or so and she is pregnant.
to her it was perfectly normal, obvious.
i wanna have a baby and i will and here it is.
she looks like she has had never doubts, problems, fears.
lucky you, Ilaria.


besides that.
i like her.
she is smart.
one of the few smart women on tv.

tonight our landlord was dressing a long, purple nightdress, a hat, a pair of black socks and a pair of sleepers. She wanted to check the electricity. we were going out for dinner, when she saw us, she said, out of the blue:

Oh guys! you look such a cute couple!



which came unexpected but was well accepted.
much better that the other statement:

can't wait to see you pregnant again.


she is strange. she ignores us for weeks.
we cannot even tell if she is dead or alive and then one day she looks at you and says whatever crosses her mind. she's funny!


at least this time it was a compliment!

the worst is when you take a shower, wash your hair, dress nice and sexy and then your mind takes you back and a deep tiredness paralyzes you. that's the worst.

a good sleep

last night I slept all night!
This morning I felt well and energetic, went to the gym for a spinning class and pilates, which I thought was some kind of yoga but actually it looks more like what in italy we would call ginnastica generale.


once back home, we had lunch and then i slept one more hour.
a good night of sleep makes you start the day with a different mood!
basically you are aware of what's going on around you!
marvelous!

I am suffering from insomnia.
it's been two months now.
it's killing me!!!!

And also sometimes I feel breathless.
it's been a few days.
Not while I exercise, which seems to be reassuring, but when I am doing nothing.
At night too.
I wake up and cannot fall asleep because of this lack of air.

Probably it's anxiety
we've gone through a hard time and also the near future is uncertain.
but whatever is the reason, it's really annoying.
feeling breathless is scary and the more i think of it, the worse it gets.

It's 3 a.m. and I feel so terribly awake.
gosh.

For Alex :)

this the email I translated for her:


Dear claudio. I watched you while we were on the bus. YOu have such a handsome way about you, the way you gaze into the sunset, the way your long legs sway to the rhythm of my heart.

I couldn't help but imagine you and me enjoying more than just the parks. We could enjoy each other.

I could not stop imaging you gently kissing me, then firmly grabbing my neck to show me how strong and masculine you can be.,

I wanted you to force me to make love to you. But we were always with people.

Tell me you felt it. Tell me you wanted to undress me, and let our skin, our energy, our lips touch into ecstasy.