Friday, February 27, 2009


Today I have taken my first Spanish class.
My classmates are very slow: they are all over 60 and all English native speakers.
They make me feel a genius.
They are nice and always smiling, that's enough.

I am trying to make some change in my life.
The next step is starting yoga classes.
I need to stretch my body and my mind.
I need something smooth, yoga seems so.
Spinning is the opposite.

Going back to a good mood?
not sure, not yet.
but life is a step after the other.
Let's start moving again.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I have always wondered who drives those little, cute cars. Now I have the answer: little, cute ladies.

a stranger told me this while walking her dog.
It's fun how strangers easily tell you things out of the blue.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


there is always a deeper level of boredom and a higher level of patience.
you think it cannot be more boring than now. Instead it can and it does.
you think you cannot be more patient than you have been so far. Instead you can and you do. I am wondering how much boredom is left and how much patience is left.
sometimes I wish there is nothing else left.
It would be the beginning of something, I guess.
I am sick of all this.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


I feel like a ball.
Lately have been eating so much that I am surprising myself.
I think I am nervous, I always eat when I am nervous.
or bored.

My breast hurts so much that I cannot sleep lying face down;
My bt has gone up;
I often feel dizziness;
My belly hurts a little bit;
My mood has quick (and scary) ups and downs. From happiness to anger in one sec.;
My sexual desire has increased. REALLY INCREASED. Something like looooong sessions! I am afraid I will kill him with all this sex;

Maybe I am going back to a regular hormonal balance after something like nine months!
Maybe my ovaries/brain have waken up. HOPEFULLY!!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Five Years

They say that it takes 5 years to really adjust to Los Angeles.
I have been here five years now (and a few months).
I think I can say it is true. It does take five years.
When I first moved here I felt lost in this city, so spread out, with no center, no suburbs.
Everything was the center and the suburbs at the same time.
It was so far and different from all I was used to that I could barely handle it.
I felt overwhelmed so many times. At some point I stopped counting how many times.
I desperately tried to go with the flow and survive all the emotions.
I found myself defeated and scary and lonely for months.
I had to find my place in such a new world that now and then I was deeply sad and wanted to go back home to Italy. I was drowning. And I could barely keep my head off the pain. Sometimes not even that.

But now that feeling is over.
Now I know that I am home here too.
I feel it.
I have my balance, my happiness.
I am much stronger.
After such a dark period, now I know I am fine with myself and the world around me.
I can enjoy staying here.
Driving is not scary anymore.
Talking is not necessarily ad adventure through misunderstanding, guessing and silence.
Everything is familiar and sometimes I even find it funny ;) .
I went through such a difficult time that now I am proud of what I have become.
Five years ago I was as frail as leaves are.
Now I am as strong and solid as roots are.
I went through that painful process on my own and I knew nobody could have ever helped me.
I knew I had to work on myself with no external help.
It's a strength that one day you just find within yourself and that's you the only one who built it, step by step, brick after brick. It may happen and it may not happen, in my case it happened. I had that strength and I know it will stay with me forever.
I know that I could never go back to that dark period.
It's another me now. Now I can stand on my feet with non help. I know I can survive.
And I did it all alone.

After five years I have really adjusted to Los Angeles.
This implies that I have been cutting my ties with friends in Italy.
I am not too sorry for that.
It's life.
We have walked through different paths, made opposite choices.
I wish them all the best but there is not much left.

And if I push this thought farther, I ask myself: Will I stay here for good?
Do not think so, but time will tell.
And I am not in a rush.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Palm Springs

The two days in Palm Springs were a pure pleasure.
we took the tramway, in ten minutes it leads you from the desert up to the mountain. it goes quick. it's beautiful and scary at the same time. there was the snow, from above we could see the desert with its 80 degrees.

Palm Springs: 15000 people, 52 percent gay!

the hotel was nice, welcoming, Moroccan, small, clean and with the pool.
we visited a couple of friends too.