Sunday, December 21, 2008


A colleague of yours needs to take more vacation from work to treat his lung cancer and all of you have renounced to your own vacation to help him. It's moving.


This afternoon I was flipping through a book when I came across some quotes from women who immigrate to my hometown. One of them is from Morocco. Before she arrived to Italy, she flew to Switzerland and there, at the baggage carousel, she did not dare to take her OWN suitcase fearing the accuse of stealing other passengers' luggage.
She said she stood there for a long time before finding the courage to pick up her luggage.

Another woman told that she did not speak Italian when she moved to Italy. She didn't even know CIAO. She thought this word was a joke. It sounded fun to her.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Me and You

It's amazing your ability to store (useless) things.
You love all kinds of paper and wires.
I do not keep anything, you would keep everything.
it's hard to find a balance between my need of getting rid of things and your desperate obstinacy to save them. I think you suffer from an abandon syndrome.

That's love.
finding a compromise between opposites.


(I feel pain in my right ovary.
che grande rottura di coglioni).

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A beautiful Poetry

“Proprio alle soglie del Paradiso esiste un luogo chiamato il Ponte dell’Arcobaleno.
Quando muore un animale che ci è stato particolarmente vicino sulla Terra, quella creatura va in questo magico luogo.

Ci sono prati, fiori e colline, perchè tutti i nostri amici speciali possano correre e giocare insieme.
C’è abbondanza di cibo, acqua e tanto sole, ed i nostri amici non hanno più freddo e stanno bene tutti assieme.
Tutti gli animali che erano ammalati o anziani sono restituiti alla salute e al vigore, mentre quelli che erano stati feriti o mutilati sono nuovamente resi sani e forti, proprio come li ricordiamo nei nostri sogni di un tempo.
Gli animali sono felici, eccetto che per una piccola cosa: ognuno di loro sente la mancanza di una persona speciale, che ha dovuto essere lasciata indietro, ma il cui ricordo è imperituro nel loro cuore.

Tutti corrono e giocano assieme, ma arriva il giorno in cui, uno di loro, improvvisamente si ferma e guarda lontano.
I suoi occhi brillanti fissano intenti, il suo corpo è tutto mosso da un tremito.
D’improvviso egli inizia a correre staccandosi dal gruppo, quasi volando sopra l’erba verde. Le sue zampe lo portano a correre sempre più veloce.
Tu sei stato scorto e quando tu e il tuo amico speciale alla fine vi ricongiungerete, vi stringerete l’un l’altro in un abbraccio di gioia, per non lasciarvi mai più.
Baci di felicità piovono sul tuo viso, le tue mani accarezzano di nuovo il capo del tuo amico tanto amato e ancora una volta guardi nei suoi occhi fiduciosi, che tanto tempo fa erano spariti dalla tua vita, ma mai dal tuo cuore. Poi, insieme, attraverserete il Ponte dell’Arcobaleno.”

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Last night we went to a party.
I met two friends of mine.
One of them was the host actually.
The other one was stressed out. She is going to get married in Capri this summer.
She loves Italy and especially this island. They have been together for 16 years
she is 41
he is 45, he does not show his age at all.
looks ten years younger. his strong commitment to social and human rights makes him special. He is not only a great guitarist but an activist.

Saturday, December 6, 2008


I do not love you. It's something more.
After all these years together, I think of you as the other part of me.
Your empathy, this is your special gift.
Your ability to forgive, also.
You are a deep breathe.

(Well, You are not as perfect as I am, but you have time to improve yourself)

Saturday, November 29, 2008


If you have been anxious because everything seems out of whack recently, a shift toward stability is in the works. But it's not without its own intensity, so don't expect too much too fast. What's most important is that you should be able to enjoy yourself more now, no matter what stresses you face. Finding that peaceful place within can change your attitude for the better.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


I thank thanksgiving because on thanksgiving day I can do nothing and not feeling guilty.
the city is slow, sleepy and lazy.
exactly like me.
One day out of 365 LA is similar to me and that day has come, it's today, the thanksgiving day!!!! Yeahhhhhhhh
thank god nobody will push me today.

Vote Yes on Prop. 1
thanksgiving once a month.
(for a more enjoyable life)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Lazy Saturday

I started the day with a spinning lesson at 8.30, after one week of complete inactivity. When I returned home, I found crepes with chocolate, crepes with jam and cappuccino with a soft, delicious foam. He made both of them. Such a lovely husband, isn't he?

(..............OK, now, you can tell me what you want from me)

Mean crazytimes.

after washing the dishes from our abundant breakfast, I sat on the couch and never moved from there.

Lazy crazytimes.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Dinner Out: a Big Event

Thanks to an inhuman effort, I was able to kick me out of my house and have dinner in a restaurant last night. The truth is that I could not refuse going, I had to join my husband and three more people whose average age was 55.

Two of them were a professor at university and his wife, they live in LA, he is Italian, she is, who knows, Canadian with Japanese origins. She speaks a great Italian and he has a huge culture that made me aware of what I am, ignorant! I already knew it, but it is always hard when you can add one more evidence to your ignorance, I guess.

The third was a friend of them who is doing a trip around the world.
After the US he will go to Columbia, he will return to Italy in April, at the end of winter. He supports Berlusconi, never paid taxes, this is what he said, and was very critical to teachers. For some unknown reasons he liked me, and talked to me a lot, actually he never stopped telling stories and it must be then when my headache started, and now the headache is still going on.

With my great surprise I found myself not replying to his opinions, not arguing, not even softly(?), I was just nodding. I was not mean to him except when a "che ce frega dello Stato" came out of my mouth unexpectedly. Either I am getting old or I am victim of my own hormones and their still ongoing ups and downs. Despite all his scary ideas, I felt some kind of pain for him. This trip around the world, that he is doing with no friends, only raised in me the thought that he must be lonely!!!. I could almost touch my tenderness for him. Maybe I am the one who feels lonely and I am transferring my loneliness on others.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

From my mom

My mom sent me three bags full of games for kids, books and food.
I just asked for three packages of coffee, she must have thought that was not enough and added just a few more things, something like 8 more kilos. I know this is her way to show me how much she cares. She misses me a lot but she would never say a word to have me back in Italy and I appreciate this, her being always supportive, even when it's hard.

Monday, November 17, 2008


Four years ago my dog died. I was already here.
I didn't see her dying. I hope she did not suffer.
She was my dog for 12 years and I still miss her so much.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


It's so sad when you find out that people do not tell you the truth.
You go out with them, even for months, you reach a good level of intimacy, and one day, all of a sudden, you start putting the various elements together.
Bits of silence and absences that, together, depict the portrait of a fake relationship.
You wonder why it happened, it was you? it was them?
What went wrong?

When you are into a friendship you expect a certain response.
When this response doesn't come once, you don't notice it.
the second time you justify it.
the third time you open up your eyes.
You can only feel the disappointment and take a step back.
You do not want to turn it into a drama.
You think C'est la vie,
yes, c'est la vie.
(Una vie del cazzo, pero').

Saturday, November 8, 2008

you sexy thing

Don't know why this video.

Today he replaced the new lamp with the broken one.
We feel in good company now, there's always someone staring at us, following our movements, if we raise our arms, they will raise theirs too. Not too bad.

Living abroad, so much abroad, brings you back to important things in life.
You learn how your parents and friends' voice can warm your heart,
how precious their love is, how much it means to you.
you realize how much spoiled you used to be, how much you took for granted, what loneliness is, how much it can hurt, how much it makes you stronger, how much you learn how to roll up your sleeves, how much you rely on yourself. It gives you pain and a sense of self-confidence at the same time. It's bad and good.

After more than 5 years what I miss the most is still my family, sometimes it is breathtaking. You think it is unbearable, but it is not. Nothing is unbearable, this is what you learn. Parents' survive their child's death, you'll survive this.
Ok, tonight my mood is not the best but I have a good news.
F. had the surgery, they removed something from his eye (it has a name but I forgot) and already started the therapy. In 40 days he will have surgery to the other eye. He has suffered after the surgery. If he can stand this pain, I can stand living 9 hours back in time. Life is practical. Life is nothing more than being angry and aggressive enough to survive all the time it kicks you.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Yes We Can

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.
Yes we can.
It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.
Yes we can. Yes we can.
It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores
and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.
Yes we can. Yes we can.
It was the call of workers who organized;
women who reached for the ballots;
a President who chose the moon as our new frontier;
and a King who took us to the mountain-top and pointed the way to the Promised Land.
Yes we can to justice and equality.
(yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can…)

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can repair this world.
Yes we can. Si Se Puede
(yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can…)

We know the battle ahead will be long,
but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way,
nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.
We want change!
(We want change! We want change! We want change…)

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant.
We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check.
We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.
But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. We want change!
(We want change! I want change! We want change! I want change…)

The hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA;
we will remember that there is something happening in America;
that we are not as divided as our politics suggests;
that we are one people;
we are one nation;
and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America’s story with three words that will ring from coast to coast;
from sea to shining sea - Yes. We. Can.
(yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can…)

Monday, November 3, 2008

It's (almost) Election Day!

Tomorrow it's going to be the election day, I am at the same time excited and afraid to get disappointed. There are more Americans like McCain than like Obama, but I still hope the black candidate from Hawaii will win.

Almost all the people I know are democratic, but one. He does not really care of the politics itself, he just wants to stop abortion, making it illegal. He is pro-life and the President of a pregnancy center in Downtown. Only this question: do you think that abortion will stop just by making it illegal? can you really believe this?

My neighborhood is full of signs saying Vote NO on Prop. 8, which, if approved, will put gay marriage out of law in California. I hope it won't get approved. I do support all those relationships that promote respect, love, mutual growth. I do not care about people's gender.

Everybody, even if not American, should have the right to vote in the American elections. Since it is able to affect all the world, it would be at least fair to give the world the right to decide for its future.

I'm done, I guess.

Go, Obama Go!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Time goes by

I am old.
(and sick)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Bernini at the Getty

Yesterday we went see the Bernini's exhibition at the Getty museum.
It was a special tour because we had a friend with us who is a researcher in art history.
She explained us all Bernini's techniques, goals and art.

At the exhibition we met a man whose last name is Barberini.
He spoke just a little Italian.
The bad part of him was a brooch saying McCain/Palin.

Before seeing the exhibition, we had lunch with her. She invited at her house, or better, at her hosts' house: a villa in Pacific Palisade, such a nice area and a sophisticated location.
We were not expecting a real lunch, just some quick pasta with an easy sauce, but she surprised us with an Italian meal: spaghetti with zucchini and pachino tomatoes, then meat wrapped around mozzarella and a slice of prosciutto, salad with mango and nuts, crunchy and fresh baguette, finally we had strawberries.

That was a long day.
But really nice.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Finally The Rest

Finally last night I was able to sleep.
I woke up this morning and felt like a new person, energetic, in a good mood.
I did all I had to do with a positive attitude.
But I know I need some strong emotions.
I miss feeling excited about something.
and I need to get this excitement soon.
I have tried a few days ago but I do not think it worked out.
So I have to wait.
But I am looking for it.

Being in search is already a step forward.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


I cannot sleep. One more night with eyes wide open.
I will fall asleep again when it's time to get up.
In the morning I will feel tired, deadly tired, dizzy and mean.
I jump from one mood to its opposite, from happiness to anger.
It's fast and leaves me sick. I hate this hot weather, everybody around me and even everybody far from me. Leave me alone, I am moody and with zero interest in talking, explaining what's going on, there's nothing to say. I simply hate whatever I have, whatever I do not have, whatever I do, whatever I do not do.
Getting crazy? Maybe.
It's none of your business.
Keep living your lives, the nice house, the green garden, the fancy car, the jokes, the empathy, the suggestions, the friendly look, the strict look. Just fuck you. Do not bother me.
I am pretty sure the lack of sleep is having devastating consequences on me.
And still, please, don't get close.
Do not want to talk.

Not to mention the hormones ups and downs.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sing this Song

Tonight nothing is gonna change between us, it's just a summer dream.

You know in this fire you could kill me and I'll burn, around this fire, and I'll die, around this fire, without you.

....How many things to bring into this journey together.

Friday, October 17, 2008


I spent one hour and fifteen minutes in traffic. I almost went postal.
Wanted to kill everybody while crying.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I think I am gaining weight.
I am not sure I am eating more.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I Am Worried

My cousin, the one I regularly write with, told me my mother is not feeling well.
She seems to be always sleepy and it is unusual for her, she is always energetic, active, dynamic. She does not look good. This is what she said.
Now I am worried and want to know what's going on.
I need to think of a way to find out without making clear what my cousin wrote.
Silly lies.

I know I am always too anxious towards the people I love.
Always worried for them, maybe too much, but this feeling has grown since I moved here.
The absence makes everything worse.

I hate those who do not take care of their health and my mother smokes too much.
God, I have argued with her so many times.
If you wanna smoke, smoke pot instead of those bad smelling cigarettes!

Also, maybe my cousin cannot imagine the effect of certain sentences.


Monday, October 13, 2008

You and I in the Kitchen

I made the dough.
You put it on the stone.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My New Job

On Friday I had my second lesson at the school of languages with my only student.
She has an American mother and an Italian father who owns a restaurant, an Italian restaurant, of course. She is 11 years old, a good student, a bit lazy, tends to speak English even when she knows how to say something in Italian. I pretend not to understand and force her to put her language aside.

However, when on Friday I arrived at the school, the manager told me if I was available for two more hours. I accepted, it is not that convenient for me, giving private Italian lessons makes me earn more than I do in a school, but I want to be part of a group, see how things work in an American environment. So far so good, everything SEEMS to work fine.

Starting, probably, from this week I will have two groups of really young kids.
I am afraid of that. Never had young students and never had a passion for kids.
We will see. I want it to work.

Also, the manager freaks out very easily.
She seems not able to handle more than one task at the same time and this is not the first time I notice it, with her and with Americans in general. The American people I have met so far get lost easily. They are not, let's say, multifunctional. If they talk, they cannot write; if they write they cannot listen to what you are saying, if two things occur at the same time, they tend to lose the control. They always look busy, as if vital things are going on and it is not unlikely that nothing is really going on, it's only life going by. It scares them. I wonder why, probably they are so lonely, used to spend their days into a mental world, never really connected to the outside and when they have to open up to whatever is happening in the world, they do not know what to do. Always nervous, anxious, control freaks - damaged, in one word. And I swear, It's not my intention to be mean and to say that we, the Italian people, are superior and better. No, it is not that. We have our big faults and lately we seem to get worse with this fascist like, I do-not-care like attitude. I am just saying what I cannot get of the American people, if I can cram millions of people into a category. Anyway I do know I will never be like them, luckily. Not even in 100 years of exposure to this society.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Breaking News

Something has happened.
it's been awhile since I noticed it: You and I are finally the same age, which means that you are finally acting as an adult. I was expecting this moment and now that it is here I do want to remember it.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Can I Bite You?

I was wondering how long it will take to go back to my regular period.
I have been waiting for 11 days.
The doctor says it's normal.
Happy to hear that.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Think Positive

I wanna go home.
It's all I want now and I want it so bad.
The latest events are as heavy as stones on my heart.
I feel weak, I wanna cry.
Breathing, it almost hurts.
I suffocate in this apartment.


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Out There On My Own

Sometimes I wonder where I've been, who I am, do I fit in,
make believing is hard alone and out there on my on
we're always proving who we are
always reaching for that rising star
to guide me far and shine me home,
out there on my own

When I am down and feeling blue, I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh baby be strong for me baby belong to me help me through help me, me too

Until the morning sun appears, making light of all my fears
I dry the tears I've never shown, out here on my own.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I am Back

The past week was quite hectic.
We went to San Francisco for two days. For him it was a vacation, for me a two - days work at the Pixar. And before leaving I needed to have several duties done.
Maybe because of this tiredness last night I slept from 9.30pm until 8.00am.
This morning I went to the gym after three weeks.
My resignation has occupied a huge space in my mind and absorbed so many energies.
Now I am slowly getting back on track.

Tonight he made garbanzos with shrimps, they were delicious.
I hope I will keep them in my stomach, I am not well today.
My head hurts, the right eye as well and my digestions seems to be a bit difficult.

This afternoon we went to a place likely called Hollywood Lake, the sign Hollywood was very close, the lake, its dam and the hills were the landscape surrounding us. This is were we took the picture above, I feel like a giant, and I like this feeling.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A Saying

Pigs are flying over my butt, or something like that, is is correct? does it exist? Gli asini volano. Is that the meaning?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Reactions at Work

Everybody at work knows that I have resigned.
Everybody is reacting his own way.

My employer, the woman, wrote me she is sorry, she really wanted it to work out. She made me an offer that sounded like a blackmail and I refused to accept it. How could I ever have accepted it? Maybe her intention was to make me quit the job or maybe, which is highly probable, she expected me to believe in their agency more than I believe in my freedom. My colleagues, all of them, do that. Why shouldn't I? Well I don't know. It's just the way I am, always been, the point is that to me dignity does mean something.

My other employer, the man, did not say anything. He is smoking pot somewhere, I guess.
Dressing as a homeless, with curly, grayish, long hair.
Fucking here and there.
With no awareness of the world around.
Crazy time who? I believe he is asking.
He is sensitive to the word money, the only concept able to ring his bell.

The young colleague still hopes we will find an agreement. I think that my employers and I almost would not agree on the obvious truths such as donkeys do not fly, as we say in Italian. They tried to make me believe that, actually. Also, yesterday she realized that she will be the one who will have to cover my shift.


She said she doesn't want to do that. The real reason is that she likes to sleep in the morning. The reason I would hear is that she wants our employers to realize how hard is to not have me there any longer. If she refuses to replace a colleague who resigned, she would make the employers understand how important the colleague is/was. I mean, I would quit anyway, I just wanted to give her a free lesson on professional ethics. I do not think she has picked up my message, she will end up doing morning and night shifts, without neither complaining nor demanding an increase in her salary. Working for free has become very popular in Italian firms. Trendy, let's say. When a colleague of mine quit her job two years ago, I did not accept to work more, but my other colleague couldn't wait to replace her and so she did. Pretty disgusting. Such a bitch.

Speaking of which, she, the bitch, did not say a word. She'd better shut up.

Her boyfriend (how would you translate Trombamico in English?)contacted me on skype even though we were in the same room, hiding from her, who knows why. Maybe she does not want him to talk to me?? I don't know....however he asked and asked, showing respect for my choice and asking if I had any regret.

A sense of liberation.
I answered.
And this sense is growing and growing. Even pretty fast.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Americans

Talking to a man from England:
"with the Americans it's all about driving and going nowhere"

"the Americans are all the same in all the United States".

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Let's Live Again

Canyon Day!
I walked to the Canyon this morning.
One hour and 15 minutes.
With a friend of mine.
It was beautiful.
I really needed it.
Going back to the usual mood.

Now we are watching the Sorpasso, with French subtitles :)

Saturday, September 13, 2008


It's been two days with the sky overcast, no sun all day, the weather matches my mood. Since I have made my mind, I swing from concern to excitement for what the future will look like. I suffer from this latent tiredness, lack of will and laziness. I have to do my laundry, clean up the apartment, go back to my spinning classes which I have been avoiding for ten days now, focus on positive thinking and find the healthy irony that is buried somewhere in the rooms of my mood. What I do not need is indulging on this mental paralysis.

He is a bit worried for me.
He asks me how I feel and I do not really know what to answer.
I feel as above. Maybe there is an adjective to depict the situation quickly, or maybe two adjectives: tired and confused. That's it, I think.

He is making Tiramisu', I know he would be happy to have me around. I wish I could be able to be around.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A Headache

It had to happen.
It was time.
Maybe it was even late.
A new direction in my life.
New and fresh air.
It is not easy, but it won't take long to feel happy again.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Pasta made in Sweden

I have seen a guy from Sweden cooking pasta.
He put pasta and water together on the stove, at the same time.
Did not wait for the water to boil.
Everything mixed together from the beginning.
He let the pasta cook, expand, change its chemical structure for half an hour. Until it turned into a shapeless block of carbohydrates.
Not only he dared to eat it, he liked it too.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

We Are All Crazy - You More Than Us

L'amore conta - Love Counts

Io e te ne abbiam vista qualcuna - vissuta qualcuna
ed abbiamo capito per bene - il termine insieme
mentre il sole alle spalle pian piano ca giù
e quel sole vorresti non essere tu

e così hai ripreso a fumare - a darti da fare
è andata come doveva - come poteva
quante briciole restano dietro di noi
o brindiamo alla nostra o brindiamo a chi vuoi

l'amore conta
l'amore conta
conosci un altro modo
per fregar la morte?
nessuno dice mai se prima o poi
e forse qualche dio non ha finito con noi
l'amore conta

io e te ci siam tolti le voglie
ognuno i suoi sbagli
è un peccato per quelle promesse
oneste ma grosse
ci si sceglie per farselo un pò in compagnia
questo viaggio in cui non si ripassa dal via

l'amore conta - l'amore conta
e conta gli anni a chi non è mai stato pronto
nessuno dice mai che sia facile
e forse qualche dio non ha finito con te

grazie per il tempo pieno
grazie per la te più vera
grazie per i denti stretti
i difetti
per le botte d'allegria
per la nostra fantasia

l'amore conta
l'amore conta
conosci un altro modo per fregar la morte?
nessuno dice mai se prima o se poi
e forse qualche dio non ha finito con noi

l'amore conta
l'amore conta
per quanto tiri sai
che la coperta è corta
nessuno dice mai che sia facile
e forse qualche dio non ha finito con te
l'amore conta

Friday, September 5, 2008

Strange T-shirts

If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the BIRD.

This was printed on my spinning classmate's T-shirt.
He was riding the bike in front of mine, 45 minutes of this BIRD flying around.
I hope it has found its nest, by now.

I am still wondering if the sentence has a real connection to sexuality or if it is me.
Also, BIRD was in block Letters.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Cheating on Her

It looks like news come all at once.
Nothing for months and then one day everything happens.
Your life is turned upside down and you have a new balance to find, if you have the strength to do so.

This friend was 12-weeks pregnant.
Now she is not anymore. She had a miscarriage because of a rare pathology that cannot be predicted and that does not give any hope of survival to the fetus.
It rarely happens, she won the lottery.
A free ride on miscarriage for a rare pathology.

She was trying to recover from this sad experience when she found out that her husband was having an affair with one of his colleagues. It had started before the pregnancy.

He was supporting his wife. By fucking another woman.
Everybody has his personal way to be helpful.

They split up.
He refused to leave the house where they lived together for a few years.
She left. She is at her parents' house right now. It's been two weeks.
The unbelievable detail, one more unbelievable detail, is that the house is hers!
I have no idea why he did not want to leave but in her shoes I would have kicked him out. I know it is easy to talk.

I hope they will be back again.
I like romances.
It is hard to see a happy ending.

In top of that I cannot imagine how hard it must be to go back to your parents' house and see them feeling sorry for you.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

mamma mia!

Sometimes routine sounds like boredom

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Everything under control

Nothing important is going on.
Apart from my fresh 33rd birthday, yesterday, and the discovery of a condom's package in my office's sink - not in the bathroom, in the kitchen. Someone is fucking. I feel bad for my young colleague. She looked horrified, I wanted to tell her that there are better people around. You just need to find them.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Having twenty-three years old

You know that time is going by just because the others remind you that's your birthday, but, apart from that, everything seems to be and remain the same.

Until you work with a new colleague, 10 years younger than you.
You look at her and you can tell that her skin is fresh,
You see the way she works and you can tell that she has no experience.
She asks you what to do, how to do, what is better, what is worse, and you have no problem in helping her, You know the answers because you are older. That's why.

You feel wise and you are.
She is scared of almost everything and you are not.
Even in a completely new situation, you would know how to move, what would be the next, right step. You have seen/done/lived enough.

Above all she has that idea of the future that you do not have anymore and you do not remember when you stopped having it.

She does not say it, but you can tell that she behaves as if she had millions of choices ahead.

The good part of getting old is that you have much more fun living, you're not scared, you enjoy life more. Which is not unimportant, at all.

(she thinks that at 33 people are old, 33 for her is too far. She does not know that one of the best aspects of getting old is that you really start having good sex)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Mission: Impossible

This morning I had a two-hours walk in the Canyon with a friend from Orange County.

At some point she said "My mission in life is ......"
If she asked me what my mission was, I would have to admit that I do not have any in my life. Or, at least, If I have one, I am completely unaware of that.
Then dear Mission, if you exists, knock on my consciousness' door before I will be asked about you. It's so depressing not knowing you, at this point of my life.
And please, try not to be too demanding.
I am lazy and get frustrated very fast.

Friday, August 15, 2008

By The Way, has your father ever had cancer?

Yesterday I saw this American acquainted/friend who lives next door and who's married to an Italian man. She has been through a tough time with her mother that has breast cancer. She had her left breast removed and now she is doing chemotherapy.

I ask:

"How is your mother?"

"She is better now, thank you"

"I'm happy to her that"

"Crazy time, by the way, has your father ever had cancer?"


Now, I understand she is under pressure, I understand she has a weird personality, I understand her father is crazy and growing up with him must have been really hard and must have had heavy consequences, I can understand everything, but do you really think that's a question to ask?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Misery - Let's Try

Today I have started reading Misery by Stephen King.
I never read books in English because since I cannot really get the linguistic nuances, I end up thinking that the story is superficial. I can never really get involved into the plot, I always feel detached, a bit absent. I force myself to keep my attention high, I must always be aware that I AM READING AND I WANT TO REMEMBER, otherwise my mind just slips away. I go on turning pages without being focused on them. It will be like this with this novel too, I already know it, but still I want to get to the end - which is clearly far. I have read only 14 pages and the book is pretty thick. But I must be strong and carry on (thank you Eric Clapton!) ;)

I have just finished "Non avevo capito niente" by Diego De Silva. More than 300 pages devoured in two days. I did appreciate the irony, the mental passages, the flow of consciousness, the depth of the main character Vincenzo Malinconico that I fell in love with, if you can ever fall in love with a character.

Before that, I read "L'illusione del bene" by Cristina Comencini. It's not a bad book, I wouldn't say that, but there are too many facts and too few feelings. It would be easy to get a screenplay out of it. You can quickly visualize the story instead of reading it. Well, If I want to see a movie, I'll see a movie. Since I am reading a book, it's something else what I expect.

Let's go back to Misery - I already feel so miserable ;)

Thursday, August 7, 2008


Yesterday my landlord wanted to replace a piece in my toilet but what he got was the breaking of a pipe and the resulting flood. He called me from the bathroom, I got closer and what I saw was unbelievably fun and tragic at the same time. Half of his body was hiding behind the door, the other half was a concentrate of sweat and blood. While destroying, I mean working on the toilet, he probably hit something, maybe his own stupidity, and his forehead began bleeding. That concentrate of human desperation asked me to call the plumber while passing me his sweaty and wet cell phone. I did not want to touch neither him nor the cell phone but I realized there was something serious going on. Even the last hope that everything was fine disappeared when I took a peep into the bathroom: there was water everywhere, something like a lake with waves. I grabbed the cell and dialed the plumber's phone, unfortunately there was no answer.
That's when I really got nervous.
The landlord pretended to be in control of the situation and he decided to go downstairs and turn off the water. This was the only wise thing he did yesterday in my apartment. He came back with a new pipe and I thought that for sure we would have needed to go to a hotel for the night. I kind of liked the idea of making him pay for our night at the Sunset Plaza! I was wrong, he surprised me and ended up fixing the damage. Probably today we will have the plumber over to replace again the pipe which, according to our sharp landlord, is too small.
I am sick to have workers everyday in my apartment.
I cannot clean what they keep messing up.
They have no respect for people's things: they come with dirty hands, touch the pipes, get wet, spread water on the floor, step on the water, walk on the carpet with disastrous consequences for my mental balance! Luckily yesterday my sixth sense worked great: before the landlord started his work in my bathroom, I had put on the carpet a huge piece of nylon and there were no irreversible damages for the carpet (which we cleaned just ten days ago!).

When my husband came home and saw the landlord's bleeding forehead, he told me:

He is not so bad, he looks like Michail Gorbachev

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Invitations to Special Screenings

Sometimes I receive invitations to special movies screenings, this is what they call it here. Now, I agree that these are special screenings, they are not open to the public, but I would not say they are special movies.
I usually get invited to action/adventure movies and animations such as Iron Man, Indiana Jones, Kung Fu Panda, to mention the latest ones. This morning on my desk I found the invitation to Tropic Thunder.

Now, I would like to know why certain people can never culturally evolve.
Special Effects, superpowers, the good on one side, the bad on the other, the heroes, the villains, they always produce movies for kids or never grown up adults.

They make everything so black and white and so superficial.
It is almost scary, besides boring and depressing.
The movie industry has tons of money and they waste it to make stories that have no structure. There is the bad guy that threatens the world and the hero comes to free everybody. God save the Queen and the hero!

The only movie that I really liked was The Things We Lost In The Fire with Benicio Del Toro and Halle Berry. A Really intense and emotional story.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Work Out, the Day After

I took my first spinning class yesterday and today I took the second one.
The result is a muscular pain that extends from my feet to my hair.
I also got a fever, 37.3. Cool!
Maybe it does not depend on my work out.
I don't know, I almost threw up after lunch and all day I had this sickness.
My head is burning.........
when the brain works too much ;)

I will survive.
I hope to feel better tomorrow.
We have dinner with friends and I would not cancel.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Going Back To My Work Out....Oh My God

The baby next door cries something like 3 hours a day.
What's wrong with him?
I think he cannot stand his father.
How could I blame him?
Every time I see that man I get goose bumps.
Such an ugly person.

Tomorrow I will go back to my spinning classes after two months of break.
I froze my membership on June and July because of my vacation in Italy.
And now it is time to work out again.
Let's see what happens tomorrow.
I hope I won't end up breathless.
I do not care, I need to exercise, it's healthy for my body and my mind.
Actually I would like to take yoga classes too.
I have seen there is a 90 minutes class tomorrow.
Maybe something shorter for the beginning would work better!!

He is making pizza.
I am a bit bored.
I always feel guilty when I get bored, I hate being bored.
It's a waste of life.
I should be grateful
(i am talking like a priest)

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

More Babies are Coming

God! All my friends are pregnant!
Can you tell that I am panicking?

When I went to Italy V. told me she was 6 and a half months pregnant! She found out to be pregnant only one month before, when she was already 5 and a half. That's her style, absolutely hers. She was sure she could not have babies - she convinced herself of that!- she had just opened a restaurant, she was stressed out because of this new job, crying sometimes because of it, she was working until late at night, she rode the motorcycle, she had one week in the snow, skying, falling and who knows what else! One day, all of a sudden, she thought of her period, oh God, women have period, where is mine? and she took a test, one of those you buy at pharmacies. The test was positive off course, she took a blood test as well and based on the results she was two months pregnant. Then she had a ultrasound and the doctor told her: "My dear, if you had waited a little bit longer, you would have given birth to this baby girl here".
The last time I saw her, she was 7 and half and her belly was not visible. I asked her: "are you sure you are pregnant? Where are you hiding her?". Among all the funny anecdotes she told me, there is one that I like better: the baby was moving in her belly and she could feel the movements but, since she did not know to be pregnant, she said: "I feel as if my gut is going upside down"!
Her style, no doubt!!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Italian Beauty

Breathtaking. That's All

Towards The Sun. Always

Friday, July 25, 2008

Summing Up

As soon as I landed in the United States, I forgot all my melancholy - which had been overwhelming for the last three days of vacation in Italy - and once again I started my other life. Everything began, with all its good and all its bad. Actually, I must say that the good seems to be more the than bad. I am wondering if it is Italy that pushes me into a depressed mood.

However over these last few days I have been catching up with all I had left in early June, I have not missed too much.

Yesterday we had this bad news about my husband's cousin: she had a miscarriage.
She was 12 weeks pregnant.Yesterday she went for the ultrasound and the gynecologist found out that there was no heartbeat, Not anymore.
It was the first ultrasound for her, that's weird, how can you have the first ultrasound only on the 12th week of pregnancy? I don't know, I have not been pregnant yet and I am not a doctor. It just sounds strange.
Her blood and urine tests were fine, the baby was regularly growing.
Until seven or eight days ago, according to the gynecologist.
Also, the ultrasound showed that there were two embryos, but the first one died very soon.
They want to take some exams on the fetus to figure out what happened.
Moreover she had candida and she could not treat it because right after diagnosed it, she got pregnant. You cannot treat a candida while pregnant?
Could it jeopardize the fetus' life?
I don't Know.
I just feel bad for her.
I am really sorry.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Power of Choice

What happens if one day you wake up and feel the big power of the word NO?
If you understand that you can say NO instead of YES, that you can change your personal story instead of accepting the limits and the compromises that someone else made up for you long ago?

Would it imply that you will finally start living for yourself?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Well, it's almost time

Ok, In one week we will leave.

I will go back to my office and my extravagant colleagues, to the huge window of my apartment, to the Russian neighbor, to the gym, to the palm trees, to the huge roads, to the traffic, to the sun and to much more.

Right now it is raining.
Thunders are noisy and lightnings are bright in the sky.
This is a real summer storm.

Nothing to add.

This is a pretty useless post, but life here is slow and nothing really happens.
I am happy to be with my family and enjoy their warmth.

My husband's cousin is 12 weeks pregnant.
She is radiant (?).
She has not felt any of the bad symptoms of the early stage of the pregnancy.
No nausea, no weakness.
She just looks happy.

Dinner is ready.
Buon appetito.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Emergency Room for my Mom

When my father told me on the phone that my mother was at the E.R., I felt trapped. I was with this American group, touring around my town, I felt I wanted to escape. I had to stay there, with these seven people, and pretend nothing had happened. Inside I did want to drive as fast as possible, reach the hospital and see with my own eyes how she really was. I was desperately trying to trust my father's words but I was pretty skeptical. I was nervous, worried and yet hiding my feelings, creating an emotional wall between myself and the others - nobody realized how anxious I was - and among all the several layers of myself, all my identities, fighting one against the other. It was hard to have bad thoughts popping up in my head and reassuring reactions right after, Such as: They are taking a TAC, it must look serious followed by No, it's nothing serious, they just want to make sure that everything is working well. It was hard to face such contradictory emotions and still talk to people who were with me. I felt I was about to throw up, as usual.

My father said that she was fine, just low levels of sugar and low blood pressure, nothing really new neither for her nor for us who have been dealing with her little crises every now and then.

This post is as confused and tired as I am.
I won't correct it, it perfectly reflects my mood right now.
However my mother will leave the hospital tomorrow, they are keeping her in for tonight to make sure that her body has completely recovered.

Well, I guess it's time to go to sleep.
The day has been pretty long.
And I am exhausted.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Basics. No More than That

It's almost three at night and I cannot sleep.
The overwhelming emotions are there once again.
I was expecting them.
I knew they would have come, sooner or later.
Here they are.
It's like walking in the middle of nowhere where feelings come confused and cruel.
The only solution is stop thinking,
There is no rational solution.
I never feel strong enough to bear this emotions with dignity.
I can cry all my tears and still feel that pressure on my chest,
Still touching that sadness.

Just wait.
Focusing on basic needs.
Such as peeing, eating, breathing.
The bad emotions will disappear.
Just save as much as possible of myself.
Just try to take it easy.
Trapped in the same mental cage.

Monday, June 23, 2008


Today I have seen a guy with this big, black tattoo on his right arm:

Get Rich or Die Trying.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Today I have seen a guy wearing a T-shirt saying:

Dammela e Godo.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Raining no Stop

Since we arrived we haven't had a sunny day, but the peak of bad weather has been reserved for today. It is raining, raining, raining.
I want to cry.

where is the summer?

Friday, June 6, 2008

A Big Fight

While I was having a fight with you I thought god I am gonna die, it's gonna be either a stroke or a heart attack, it's coming soon, I know.
Since I am still here, I am assuming that I am strong: I must have a good blood circulation and a low blood pressure. Great! I have passed this home-made medical check up, even for free.
However I am pretty sure I have lost a couple of years of my life.

I hate waiting, getting worried because of your delay, waiting, getting worried for your delay, feeling the rage quickly going up, from my feet up to my head, repeating to myself why do you think you have the right to make me wait for so long? And so on, over and over.

I am sorry
is not enough, it does not make any sense to me.
It does not give me back the time I wasted.
You should have thought more, better, faster, easier.

At the end of the day I feel exhausted.
And what for?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

He is Here!

He was born on the baby Shower's day: over two pounds, breathing on his own, just started eating - to quote his mom - solid foods (milk, I guess). And, above all, he is so sweet and little and precious and delicate and strong and stubborn and a miracle.

His mom sent me an email about my linguistic performances on the baby shower's day:

Ciao! Penso che devi parlare inglese perche il tuo inglese
a buonissimo, ma la tua confidenza non e. (but your confidence it
not) :-)

Mi piace che tu ha detto (what you said) nel film di Patti. (I liked
your message in Patti's film.) Non era stupido - era molto simpatico.
Non lo so che tu sei embarrassed.

I hope you did not have too stressful of a time at the party. Your
English really is good - you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

And, the funniest part: My friend with the Prague
confusion gets confused about things even when there is no possible language barrier.

She is really a friend :)

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Strange Days

I got up at 7.30, barely could keep my eyes open, visited some of my favorite blogs and then decided to go back to bed. I fell asleep right after I put my head on the pillow and woke up again at eleven! As I am not a sleepyhead I checked the time twice, couldn't believe I had spent the all morning in bed - not having sex but just sleeping. What a waste of time!

After a home-made cappuccino, such a nice way to begin our morning (I should say afternoon, I guess), we had to force ourselves to do two things we hate: go to a mall (no need to say that it was packed) and get an Iphone for a friend in Italy. We are both very critical of buying items like this one - Iphone is in our top ten list of most useless items. However, when we arrived at the store we found out they had run out of them for the day. Would you believe that? At, what time was it?, one p.m. they had already sold all the Iphones. People must be eager to spent $400. I do not even have a cell phone, guess how surprised I was to hear that. My husband was too. Despite his scientific education and a long experience in technological fields he refuses technology more than I do, if possible. His cell phone is old, heavy, with the bad habit to work only when and if it wants to, which means it never works when it is supposed to.

Then I have no idea of what I did until now, 10 pm, apart from taking a nap for one more hour between 8 and 9 and trying to digest lemon pepper pappardelle (No comment) that he cooked for lunch. They seem to want to stay with me, here, in my stomach, for the next fourteen hours.

Now I have a bit of a headache, maybe I need some sleep, what do you think?

Saturday, May 31, 2008

My Worst Baby Shower Ever :)

I went to the baby shower and learned that you are in hospital because your waters broke. P. told me it as soon as I arrived while shooting with a little camera. You'll see my face on camera saying: "Oh I'm sorry, Stai bene, L., I am going to say it in Italy, I mean in Italian........" and then I added a sentence in Italian, very short. I was too embarrassed and wanted to say: "No, please, the camera no!" but I didn't dare and OK, I survived. Then I heard other people leave their messages and they were all FUN and PERFECT, of course. I was the only one who started out with I'M SORRY. I thought, they (the Americans) must get some training since the very beginning of their life, maybe it's something they learn at school or something in the food. I have no idea of what it is, but I do need it, whatever it is!
What I wanted to say was that I hope you and the baby are fine and that I am looking forward to meeting your baby boy!

After my smart "entry", I met a friend of yours, she is from St. Louis. At some point during the conversation she asked me why we decided to move out of Italy and I answered: "we wanted to live ABROAD". She said, "Oh OK" and a couple of minutes later she had one more question:
"so, how long did you live in Prague?".
I realized she understood PRAGUE instead of ABROAD.
I am wondering how much she got of what I said, how much I was able to make her confused.
However she was very nice when, at the end, looked for the little plant with my name on it and found it. (at least I am sure there was no misunderstanding about my name).

But, the best part came when I was leaving and a woman said to me: "Nice to meet you" and I replied with a great: "Nice to MISS you too". I did not even correct my mistake. I thought, you'd better disappear and I did, I left right after my sentence.

Nevertheless, I must say, I had an excuse: I had a spinning class in the morning and I had to leave early because I was feeling ready to throw up, faint, die, and when I arrived at your house I was not feeling good yet. (Is it a good excuse?)

However, the baby shower was great!
And I really hope you can feel my embrace.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Beloved Colleagues

This morning I arrived at my office and I saw my colleague on the couch. She murmured something not even removing her eyes from the computer - I assumed it was a tired "Hello" - Good morning to you too, (Fucking asshole) my dear. Don't try to be nicer, it could hurt you.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Angels and Demons

Last night Jo and Ju came over to celebrate Jo's new job.
Jo has been working in the film business for six years, since he moved to L.A.
But this time he will work in Italy for a big movie with an American production, which implies more money and a professional environment.
have a safe trip Jo!

However, we celebrated with a bottle of wine - do not remember which one, I am basically dry (?) - and with a slice of tiramisu'. My husband made it. He is so cute (?) while cooking, maybe he looks cute because I never see him in the kitchen. He must have an allergy to stove and pans. He is also messy and it touches my nerves a little bit, but I need to live with it, I guess. I must say the tiramisu' was great.

Ok, let's go back to work.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Coffee According to My Husband

I have an artist at home.
No doubt.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

A Real Mama's Boy!

A friend came from Italy for a tennis tournament.

We went see him play and he luckily won the first game. When we left he was losing the second one but he was expecting it.

We saw him again after five years.

He is still quite handsome, quite young and still a spoiled mama's boy!

However, he will be traveling in California until the end of June.

He is based in Rome but because of his career as a tennis player he goes all around the world. The stress is always pretty high.

We spent all day at the tennis court and now I feel sleepy like a baby.

Poor thing!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

People on the Street and I

This morning I met an old woman waiting on the street with a handbag luggage.
She looked at me, smiled, stretched her arms and said:

"This morning breeze is great, isn't it?

I adjusted to her good mood, came out from my overcast thoughts and replied with a similar enthusiasm: "Yes, it is(ssssss)!!".

The truth was that I did not notice the morning breeze, at all.
And even if I had, I would not say it is great.
I often forget how lucky I am.

However, that woman changed my morning in some way.

Then, few minutes later I was fighting with the main door, my key was not working, when I met the "water guy", a black man who opened the door for me. He had this sincere smile that made me thought once again.

I should be more grateful for whatever I have.
The truth is that I have never been that kind of person, always excited and energetic.
I have always felt this latent tiredness that I have never liked, but it has been there, since I was born, probably.

And, above all, this melancholy that never leaves me alone.
It cannot be always labeled as a matter of female hormones.

By the way my chin has been blossoming with pimples over the last three days.
And I am not a teenager.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Having My Baby - Paul Hanka

A friend of mine is on bed rest trying to keep her baby in her belly as long as possible.
She started a blog to write about this hard time and I found this beautiful Video in it.
Below I pasted the lyrics.

Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
How much you love me
Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
What you're thinkin' of me
I can see it, face is glowin'
I can see in your eyes
I'm happy you know it

That you're havin' my baby

You're the woman I love
And I love what it's doin' to ya

Havin' my baby

You're a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through ya

The need inside you
I see it showin'
Whoa, the seed inside ya
Baby, do you feel it growin'
Are you happy you know it
That you're

Havin' my baby

I'm a woman in love
And I love what it's doin' to me

Havin' my baby

I'm a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through me

Didn't have to keep it
Wouldn't put ya through it
You could have swept it from you life
But you wouldn't do it
No, you wouldn't do it

And you're havin' my baby

I'm a woman in love
And I love what it's doin' to me

Havin' my baby

I'm a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through me

Havin' my baby (havin' my baby)
What a lovely way of sayin'
How much you love me

Havin' my baby
(havin' my baby)

I'm a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through me

The Men and The Pain

He spent two hours at the dentist's studio this morning.
Now it's 7.31 pm. and he is still on the couch looking like the warrior who fought all day against his worst enemy, complaining every now and then.

It must be something in his nature, it must be the male nature.
(God save the woman brave and strong)

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Indiana Jones (Number Thirty-Six Or So)

We saw Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull or whatever it is called.
Two hours of action with a 65-year-old, or so, Harrison Ford.
I fell asleep for half an hour and when I woke up they were still somewhere in a forest trying to bring back to its original place a plastic skull, which we were supposed to believe as a crystal skull.

It is a well-done movie, the crew is a never-ending list of animators, stunts and experts in special effects, a chain of professionals which ended up doing their job very well and make tons of money.

Still, where is the story? I left the movie theater exhausted.
I felt weird, as if I was taking away nothing with me.

But this is me.

My Ex Town - My Ex World

In twenty days we will be in Italy:

The smell of the summer,
the narrow streets,
the Piazza with the same people,
the newsstands with La Repubblica,
the dialect,
the warmth of my parents' love,
the ice cream,
the afternoon's clouds,
the humidity,
the simple life,
the bakeries,
the bicycles,
the sound of Italian.

The awareness of my roots.

Saturday, May 17, 2008


We had a relaxed Saturday as it did not happen for several months.
It is nice when you can enjoy life and take it as it comes with no worries for the heavy traffic or the crazy people or your next appointment.

At the end of this day, which has given me the chance to be in touch with my deepest feelings, I have realized how strong I miss my family and how much I wish they were here. I already knew it, but today I felt it and it is painful. This absence is a hole in my life.

By the way, today we have had 38 Celsius degrees.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Take The Shoes Off

At home there is one of Strazioman's colleagues, I am trapped in the bedroom with this nice 35 Celsius degrees, I am pouring sweat. However there is something worst I am dealing with right now: this colleague has not taken his shoes off and we have carpet everywhere. I am almost risking an heart attack. We never keep our shoes on.

When I visit someone I always adjust to their rules.
If I see them with bare foot I'll take my shoes off.
It's not that hard.

Maybe I should have said something at the beginning but I always find embarrassing to say this kind of things.

I have noticed how deep my thoughts are when I try to practice English.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

God and I

I do not believe in God but I am afraid of him.

Monday, May 12, 2008

A Job Offer

He was offered a job, 1400 euros in Rome.
I am wondering 1400 euros for how many hours? Ten maybe?
How much is a rent in Rome? At least 800 euros, at least.
There would be 600 euros left.

Not enough, not even to buy a primitive coffin and bury our intelligence.

God Bless America.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Filling A Gap

When I happen to meet in Los Angeles someone from my hometown, strange feelings come up.
It has happened two times in five years, the latest time was last night.
I felt as if I was able to fill the gap in my personal story, to find a thread throughout these 32 years, as if no ruptures occurred.
It has always been a little traumatic to give consistency to who I was there and who I have become here, where I used to live and where I am now, what I have adjusted to.
Last night I had the chance to perceive myself as a whole.
I miss that sometimes. From a small town where everybody knows everybody and the privacy is a privilege, I found myself in a city of 15 millions of people speaking a different language and expressing a different culture. At the beginning I struggled to get my place in such a spread -out metropolis. Now I do have my place, but by no means it implies that I belong here.

Also, the idea of having a baby in the United States sounds exciting: it would give him/her the opportunity to live between Europe and the United States with no concerns about Visas and immigration laws. He/she would be perfectly bilingual, absolutely not an unimportant detail, he/she would be a more "colorful" person (Italian parents, American environment and so on).

Yet I cannot accept the idea of having an American child.
I want him/her to see himself/herself as one hundred percent Italian.
But if I had a baby here and raise him/her here, it would not happen. (how could it?)
The idea of a having a child who defines himself as an American makes me throw up.
(why is that? I find myself pretty disgusting).

Friday, May 9, 2008

Let me Yawn

I am so sleepy. Why is that?
Last night I slept, apart from the noise from downstairs that woke me up, woke us up, for half an hour. Then today, after lunch, I took a nap and dreamed deeply.
Cannot remember what exactly.
When I got up, 40 minutes later, I was feeling so weak, almost afraid to pass out.


Lying Lazy on the couch, watching tv, feeling deadly tired, no strength in my legs.
Went to work this morning, did some errands in the afternoon, now can't stop yawning.
A party tonight but actually dying for sleeping.

Am I hungry?
Might be.

I need waxing.
No doubts.
Such a pain, such an annoying process.
You like my hairy legs, don't you?

Outside it is getting dark.
it's been cloudy.
Overcast, as they say here.

May gray.
(June gloom coming next)

Eating too much crostata with nutella.

Strongly wondering where I am heading to.

Thursday, May 8, 2008


Over the last few weeks I have been suffering from insomnia.
The only nights I have a nice sleep are those immediately before my days off from work.
I am wondering if it means something.

I have been experiencing a general sickness for whatever I have been doing for one year.
I cannot tell if it is because I have learned all I could and now it is time to begin a new chapter of my life and start learning again or if it is because I just need a professional improvement, a good news, just those little changes that give a new flavor to life.

Who knows.
Hope to find it out before I lose myself.

Also, the idea of having a baby is becoming more and more an imperative need.
But this is a different story.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Social Relationships in Los Angeles

Crazy Times that (C. T. and) Her Neighbor (N.)
(four meters between them)

N. "Hello, how are you?"

C. T. "Fine, thank you, and you?"

N. "Don't get close, I've a bad cold"

C.T. "Don't worry. I won't kiss you"

Monday, May 5, 2008

Have you ever felt that stone in your heart? 'Cause I have

For so long my body was in pain, here, between my heart and my throat.
One year had to pass before the sun had risen again in my mornings.
One year is just 12 months, 48 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, a countable time, no more than that. In my story it expanded and turned into a never - ending night. A freezing cold tunnel.
Have you ever felt that stone in you heart, ever seen that darkness in your eyes?
You try to keep your head out of the swamp but a force stronger than your will pushes you down, have you ever felt to be dead with a still beating heart? have you?

'Cause I Have

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Good Night Los Angeles

'Cause You Can Never Really Come Back From a Journey.
Like it or not. Strong enough to bear it or not.

I thought It would be easy to go back home.
But it is not.

Have been trying to live with this new me, an hybrid suspended between homesickness and fascination for the city with few angels and only two seasons.