she was exactly like 40 years ago.
could not do anything.
i am wondering what my mother felt.
what my grandfather felt.
life is bizarre.


in huge need of good news.
oh yeas something good happened,
we went to vegas, gambled 5 dollars, won 1600.

tra qualche minuto riapriranno la tomba di mia nonna, morta 40 anni fa.
La metteranno in una cassettina o come diavolo si chiama.
mi vengono i brividi solo a pensarlo.
mio nonno, 87 anni, vuole esserci.
mia madre dovra' esserci, perche' lui da solo non puo' andare.
si e' messo in testa di fare questa cosa della cassettina cosi' quando muore puo' starle accanto.
dopo la morte di mio zio, mio nonno sta giu' e si e' deciso ora a fare questa cosa perche' e' stanco, non so se voglia morire presto o se teme che morira' presto.
di certo fa pensieri brutti.
sono preoccupata per nonno e per mia madre che dovra' assistere a questa cosa penosa.
ho bisogno di rilassarmi.
mi perseguita un senso di catastrofe imminente
sono sempre preoccupata che qualcosa stia per succedere
mi chiedo sempre se vada tutto bene oppure no
penso che non siamo niente in questa vita.
lo sapevo gia', lo sanno tutti che e' cosi', ma al momento qualcosa si e' bloccato dentro me. aspetto che riparta.
e' come se fosse caduto il senso.
sto pensando di tornare in italia.
a fare non so che.
ma questa lontananza mi distrugge.
mi pare tempo perso.
sono tutte emozioni che si accavallano, prendo tempo, respiro, ma mi sento stretta all'angolo.
faccio finta di niente, mi diverto pure, ma arranco.
e vorrei essere accanto a mia madre in questo momento.
ho parlato con mia cugina.
si chiede che cosa pensi il figlio della morte improvvisa e prematura del nonno.
dice che lui e' come me, e' silenzioso, tiene tutto dentro.
bel modo del cazzo di essere.
come me.
dentro muori e fuori vivi.

I remember you in L.A.

no title

I spend all day out, maybe soon i will enjoy my new house.
now i cannot. i need to stay busy, in the sun, around people.
my mind often zones out but there is not much i can do to stay focused on conversations.
i do what i can.
and at the end of the day i am always very tired.
i stay out eight, nine hours a day.
this is what i want right now.


does friendship exist?
real friendship, i mean.

fever?

I think I'm getting sick.
i am cold and have a headache.
waiting for him to finish his work.
do not want to be alone at home.
because of his death i always fear that something bad is about to happen.
it's unbelievable how crazy life is. how unpredictable.
i am speechless, hard to accept that i will not see him anymore.
death is forever.
god.

death

We moved to the new house.

I am sad because of my uncle's death, it was unexpected, it happened fast and left everybody shocked.
I am nervous and weak.
during the day I feel stronger, i can manage the pain, at night, as soon as the dark comes, i deflate.

from the bedroom's window I can see the valley.
it's a very nice view.

i want to go back to life.
i feel sad for my aunt, my cousins, for my mom, for my grandfather, for everybody.
i wish i was there.
it's hard to be here and not to share the pain with my relatives.
tomorrow he will be buried, above his son, dead 18 years ago at the age of 18 in a car accident. i like thinking they are together now.

fortunately he is with me, he is very sweet.
when i found out what happened, i was angry, and still i am.
he hugged me for a long time.


i need to sleep.
last night i was awake almost all night, i cried a lot.
i was looking forward to moving to the new place and as soon as i stepped into it, i received this bad news. that's mean. that's unfair.

i know i will go back to a good mood,
right now i feel trapped into a dark tunnel.
i will miss him.
a lot.
a lot.
a lot.
more than that.

ciao zio.

Italian

Sometimes my students come up with expressions that I like.
Here is one:
andiamo alla casa.

or:
cellulino instead of cellulare;
peluchera instead of parruchiera;
assicuranza instead of assicurazione;


that's all I can remember so far.

Garbanzo beans

Home-made hummus

the new apartment

I think we have found the apartment we like.
It's in the hills, surrounded by the green, the trees. it does not look like los angeles.
It's a 2 bedroom/ 2 bathroom apartment.
It's a private patio.
it's a wonderful bathroom, with REAL TILES, two sinks.
Hardwood floor everywhere.
fireplace.
three big closets.
the only thing is the small kitchen. it has a dining room but he is a bit unhappy with the kitchen.

I think tomorrow morning we will call her and take the apartment.

i am so tiredddddd