Suresuresure: how are you feelinngggggg???


Me: fine, thank you



(non fare sta faccia a piange per favore suresuresure!)

Cuore di Crema

Sometimes we have happiness and we're not aware of it.
it's a discovery a posteriori .
one day you wake up and the happiness is there, then it slips away, abruptly.
With no warning. And you simply collect all your strengths to pull through.
You wonder why the sun came into your life, enlightened it as never before and then disappeared. Why you were so blessed at first and punished later.
Questions and doubts and clouds and thunderstorms.
it doesn't matter how many tears you'll cry, You'll never find out why, and at some point you accept it. you stop questioning. it's your pain and it will always be.
you'll live with it.
then one day, out of the blue, your mind goes back to what happened and it hurts again.
the loss hurts so badly, with the same intensity, unchanged violence.


and suddenly you feel tired again.

She has turned the air conditioning on.
I do not think it's hot.
I am on the couch with a blanket on.
Outside it's summer but not unbearable.
spoiled Americans!

Well, I knew the bleeding could last up to 4 weeks.
What I did not know was how heavy the bleeding could get and how painful it could be.
Yesterday we were at friends' house when I started having cramps (contractions?), luckily we were about to leave when the pain started. I spent the rest of the day on the couch, walking back and forth from the living room to the kitchen, breathing deeply. I never take medicines but yesterday I had to, sent him to buy a painkiller and it took it one hour to give me relief. Besides the pain, which was mentally and physically overwhelming, I was afraid of an haemorrhage. I am missing only that, after all!
After four hours It stopped. Cannot tell how much blood I lost. It was like a horror movie. I got really scared.
This morning I was feeling well, went to santa monica promenade, bought a very nice tank top, even sexy!, but this afternoon I felt sick again.
I took one pill.
I have no patience and the pain is really strong.
The doctor says it's perfectly normal. It will be like this again.
Perfect!

Ecco

..........Inoltre non esistendo un rituale sociale del lutto nei casi di aborto, l'elaborazione di tale evento avviene sempre in un modo e in un contesto totalmente privati, ma il cordoglio dopo un aborto spontaneo e' intenso quanto quello provocato dalla morte del neonato o dalla morte di un adulto.

i was thinking that all this situation has one positive consequence: my tits!

Lo avevamo concepito a Las Vegas.
what happens in vegas stays in vegas.
evidentemente.

no need of doing the second surgery!
Now i am clean!!!!
the doctor was as happy as i was
at least this.
thankssssss!!!!

Seed

It's been one month. Today one month ago you started to slip away, my little seed.
I know you were not aware neither of yourself nor of us, of me and your father.
I know I am transferring my feelings to you.
But still I would like to whisper you I much I loved you, how much I cared, and how empty I have been feeling.
I was your mom since the first day I found out you were growing inside me.
I am so sorry you had to go, I would have done anything to keep you with us, anything.
Please believe me. I feel so lonely and useless and my days are so sad without you, my sweet, precious seed.

I am trying hard to go back to life.
Forgive me f I could not keep you safe in my belly.
I need to forgive myself. It's not easy. At all.

My angel, you will always stay with me.

make me good God. But not yet.

and so on

missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou

tomorrow he's gonna be in Vegas all day.
He'll leave around 6.30 in the morning and we'll be back late at night.
that's going to be a day to forget. I know, already know.
I'll work a couple of hours, try to exercise and wait all day for him to come home.
maybe I'll go wax and buy a little present for a friend's daughter, just born.
gosh, I'm surrounded by people with babies.

also.....i need to wash my hair!! absolutely, no more procrastination.
i usually wash it everyday, now it's been two days without washing it and it's disgusting!!


tomorrow my last antibiotics! yeah!
then I'll see the doctor and find out if there's something left inside.
hopefully everything is clean now, otherwise little surgery, for the second time. This time they will put me to sleep. Hopefully not for good!

guardare stanca

They are moving to a new place.
I watch them move boxes and furniture, then I come back home and sleep.
watching is tiring.

Seal(ing)

I feel in shape.
Like a seal.

Tonight I am thinking of my grandma.
She was sweet and loved me.
I wish I could hug her one more time.
and hear her "Tesoro mio" once again.

I would like to tell her about the little spot that flew away.