Time goes by

I am old.
(and sick)

Bernini at the Getty

Yesterday we went see the Bernini's exhibition at the Getty museum.
It was a special tour because we had a friend with us who is a researcher in art history.
She explained us all Bernini's techniques, goals and art.

At the exhibition we met a man whose last name is Barberini.
He spoke just a little Italian.
The bad part of him was a brooch saying McCain/Palin.

Before seeing the exhibition, we had lunch with her. She invited at her house, or better, at her hosts' house: a villa in Pacific Palisade, such a nice area and a sophisticated location.
We were not expecting a real lunch, just some quick pasta with an easy sauce, but she surprised us with an Italian meal: spaghetti with zucchini and pachino tomatoes, then meat wrapped around mozzarella and a slice of prosciutto, salad with mango and nuts, crunchy and fresh baguette, finally we had strawberries.

That was a long day.
But really nice.

Finally The Rest

Finally last night I was able to sleep.
I woke up this morning and felt like a new person, energetic, in a good mood.
I did all I had to do with a positive attitude.
But I know I need some strong emotions.
I miss feeling excited about something.
and I need to get this excitement soon.
I have tried a few days ago but I do not think it worked out.
So I have to wait.
But I am looking for it.

Being in search is already a step forward.

Insomnia

I cannot sleep. One more night with eyes wide open.
I will fall asleep again when it's time to get up.
In the morning I will feel tired, deadly tired, dizzy and mean.
I jump from one mood to its opposite, from happiness to anger.
It's fast and leaves me sick. I hate this hot weather, everybody around me and even everybody far from me. Leave me alone, I am moody and with zero interest in talking, explaining what's going on, there's nothing to say. I simply hate whatever I have, whatever I do not have, whatever I do, whatever I do not do.
Getting crazy? Maybe.
It's none of your business.
LEA-VE ME A-LO-NE.
Keep living your lives, the nice house, the green garden, the fancy car, the jokes, the empathy, the suggestions, the friendly look, the strict look. Just fuck you. Do not bother me.
I am pretty sure the lack of sleep is having devastating consequences on me.
And still, please, don't get close.
Do not want to talk.

Not to mention the hormones ups and downs.

Sing this Song

Tonight nothing is gonna change between us, it's just a summer dream.

You know in this fire you could kill me and I'll burn, around this fire, and I'll die, around this fire, without you.



....How many things to bring into this journey together.

Traffic

I spent one hour and fifteen minutes in traffic. I almost went postal.
Wanted to kill everybody while crying.

Health

I think I am gaining weight.
I am not sure I am eating more.

I Am Worried

My cousin, the one I regularly write with, told me my mother is not feeling well.
She seems to be always sleepy and it is unusual for her, she is always energetic, active, dynamic. She does not look good. This is what she said.
Now I am worried and want to know what's going on.
I need to think of a way to find out without making clear what my cousin wrote.
Silly lies.

I know I am always too anxious towards the people I love.
Always worried for them, maybe too much, but this feeling has grown since I moved here.
The absence makes everything worse.

I hate those who do not take care of their health and my mother smokes too much.
God, I have argued with her so many times.
If you wanna smoke, smoke pot instead of those bad smelling cigarettes!

Also, maybe my cousin cannot imagine the effect of certain sentences.

Fuck.

You and I in the Kitchen

I made the dough.
You put it on the stone.

My New Job

On Friday I had my second lesson at the school of languages with my only student.
She has an American mother and an Italian father who owns a restaurant, an Italian restaurant, of course. She is 11 years old, a good student, a bit lazy, tends to speak English even when she knows how to say something in Italian. I pretend not to understand and force her to put her language aside.

However, when on Friday I arrived at the school, the manager told me if I was available for two more hours. I accepted, it is not that convenient for me, giving private Italian lessons makes me earn more than I do in a school, but I want to be part of a group, see how things work in an American environment. So far so good, everything SEEMS to work fine.

Starting, probably, from this week I will have two groups of really young kids.
I am afraid of that. Never had young students and never had a passion for kids.
We will see. I want it to work.

Also, the manager freaks out very easily.
She seems not able to handle more than one task at the same time and this is not the first time I notice it, with her and with Americans in general. The American people I have met so far get lost easily. They are not, let's say, multifunctional. If they talk, they cannot write; if they write they cannot listen to what you are saying, if two things occur at the same time, they tend to lose the control. They always look busy, as if vital things are going on and it is not unlikely that nothing is really going on, it's only life going by. It scares them. I wonder why, probably they are so lonely, used to spend their days into a mental world, never really connected to the outside and when they have to open up to whatever is happening in the world, they do not know what to do. Always nervous, anxious, control freaks - damaged, in one word. And I swear, It's not my intention to be mean and to say that we, the Italian people, are superior and better. No, it is not that. We have our big faults and lately we seem to get worse with this fascist like, I do-not-care like attitude. I am just saying what I cannot get of the American people, if I can cram millions of people into a category. Anyway I do know I will never be like them, luckily. Not even in 100 years of exposure to this society.

Breaking News

Something has happened.
it's been awhile since I noticed it: You and I are finally the same age, which means that you are finally acting as an adult. I was expecting this moment and now that it is here I do want to remember it.

Can I Bite You?

I was wondering how long it will take to go back to my regular period.
I have been waiting for 11 days.
The doctor says it's normal.
Happy to hear that.

Think Positive

I wanna go home.
It's all I want now and I want it so bad.
The latest events are as heavy as stones on my heart.
I feel weak, I wanna cry.
Breathing, it almost hurts.
I suffocate in this apartment.

Stop.