When I happen to meet in Los Angeles someone from my hometown, strange feelings come up.
It has happened two times in five years, the latest time was last night.
I felt as if I was able to fill the gap in my personal story, to find a thread throughout these 32 years, as if no ruptures occurred.
It has always been a little traumatic to give consistency to who I was there and who I have become here, where I used to live and where I am now, what I have adjusted to.
Last night I had the chance to perceive myself as a whole.
I miss that sometimes. From a small town where everybody knows everybody and the privacy is a privilege, I found myself in a city of 15 millions of people speaking a different language and expressing a different culture. At the beginning I struggled to get my place in such a spread -out metropolis. Now I do have my place, but by no means it implies that I belong here.
Also, the idea of having a baby in the United States sounds exciting: it would give him/her the opportunity to live between Europe and the United States with no concerns about Visas and immigration laws. He/she would be perfectly bilingual, absolutely not an unimportant detail, he/she would be a more "colorful" person (Italian parents, American environment and so on).
Yet I cannot accept the idea of having an American child.
I want him/her to see himself/herself as one hundred percent Italian.
But if I had a baby here and raise him/her here, it would not happen. (how could it?)
The idea of a having a child who defines himself as an American makes me throw up.
(why is that? I find myself pretty disgusting).