quando inizi a capire che sei solo in mutande
quando inizi a capire che tutto e' piu' grande
c'era chi era incapace a sognare e chi sognava gia'.

this is what i'd call a boring day.

wow!

an interview 90 minutes long!
cannot believe it.

time

first of all: how long ago we were two in one?
----------------------------------------------
then, we should have gone with him to vienna today.
---------------------------------------------
these days my mind is always going elsewhere.
---------------------------------------------

Back

This life with you is exactly what I want.
You are back from Cornwall.
I have you back in our bed.
I hear your breathe at night, i get close to you to feel your warmth, and fall asleep again in your arms.
i love the smell of your skin.
i love the fun we have together.
the secrets we share.
the support we give each other.
i am blessed to have you in my life.
but above all you are blessed to have me in yours!

:)

Together

Poi voglio stare con te per una vita.
e nessun altro.


pure io.

Today it's spring!
high temperatures, no need of jackets.
And I feel tired and sleepy!
after all, it's not a bad feeling, at all.

Welcome to hell!

Yesterday at the hospital my doctor made me enter the delivery area, since she could not leave her patient alone for a long time. I think I was a couple of rooms away from her. I could hear this woman, she was yelling like crazy, every few minutes. She did not sound human. That was almost scary. It must be really painful. The epidural, why not?
Probably because in this town doctors tell weird stories about it, you'll risk to be paralyzed forever for example.
Well, that's criminal.
This is so middle age.

how long is it going to rain?
gosh.
it's depressing me.


Starting tomorrow a series of tests.
The funny thing is that I want to take all of them.
Doctors think it's not necessary.
Yes. sure.

when someone you love disappoints you, it's hard.

I'm just trying to make a move to stay in the game

"vivere con te era come stare sempre in prima linea. Un continuo piovere di razzi, granate, napalm, un perenne scavare trincee, andare in pattuglia su sentieri minati,lanciare attacchi, ferire e venire feriti, urlare, singhiozzare, chiama il barelliere, dammi il caricatore, comandante non ce le faccio più".
Fallaci - Un uomo


only sometimes. And even sometimes it's too heavy.

I'm watching you

If there is one thing well done in my life, it's my relationship with you.
What I like the most is the sincerity.
I know I do not need to lie.
I can tell you whatever crosses my mind.
what a relief.

Caos Calmo

The way he escapes pain. The way he pretends. The way he makes his lists, the airlines he flew, the houses he lived in. That way of surviving the loss is so much real.

today i almost threw up during my yoga class.
and even now i'm not feeling well.


sometimes i'm afraid i've become bitter.
do not like it at all but this is what it is.

Arrived

I'm in Italy.

the first day of rain.
the last one was January maybe.

Lella costa at parla con me.
she is great.

Once upon a time

I have become a good wise girl.
How the hell did it happen?

Ilaria d'Amico at l'era glaciale
she decided to have a baby before 35.
she is 34 or so and she is pregnant.
to her it was perfectly normal, obvious.
i wanna have a baby and i will and here it is.
she looks like she has had never doubts, problems, fears.
lucky you, Ilaria.


besides that.
i like her.
she is smart.
one of the few smart women on tv.

tonight our landlord was dressing a long, purple nightdress, a hat, a pair of black socks and a pair of sleepers. She wanted to check the electricity. we were going out for dinner, when she saw us, she said, out of the blue:

Oh guys! you look such a cute couple!



which came unexpected but was well accepted.
much better that the other statement:

can't wait to see you pregnant again.


she is strange. she ignores us for weeks.
we cannot even tell if she is dead or alive and then one day she looks at you and says whatever crosses her mind. she's funny!


at least this time it was a compliment!

the worst is when you take a shower, wash your hair, dress nice and sexy and then your mind takes you back and a deep tiredness paralyzes you. that's the worst.

a good sleep

last night I slept all night!
This morning I felt well and energetic, went to the gym for a spinning class and pilates, which I thought was some kind of yoga but actually it looks more like what in italy we would call ginnastica generale.


once back home, we had lunch and then i slept one more hour.
a good night of sleep makes you start the day with a different mood!
basically you are aware of what's going on around you!
marvelous!

I am suffering from insomnia.
it's been two months now.
it's killing me!!!!

And also sometimes I feel breathless.
it's been a few days.
Not while I exercise, which seems to be reassuring, but when I am doing nothing.
At night too.
I wake up and cannot fall asleep because of this lack of air.

Probably it's anxiety
we've gone through a hard time and also the near future is uncertain.
but whatever is the reason, it's really annoying.
feeling breathless is scary and the more i think of it, the worse it gets.

It's 3 a.m. and I feel so terribly awake.
gosh.

For Alex :)

this the email I translated for her:


Dear claudio. I watched you while we were on the bus. YOu have such a handsome way about you, the way you gaze into the sunset, the way your long legs sway to the rhythm of my heart.

I couldn't help but imagine you and me enjoying more than just the parks. We could enjoy each other.

I could not stop imaging you gently kissing me, then firmly grabbing my neck to show me how strong and masculine you can be.,

I wanted you to force me to make love to you. But we were always with people.

Tell me you felt it. Tell me you wanted to undress me, and let our skin, our energy, our lips touch into ecstasy.

from a friend of mine

I was wondering if you could help me with something?

Earlier this month I went on a holiday. One of our fellow travelers was this guy from Northern Italy. He seemed okay but didn't speak much - I assume because he wasn't very good at English. As it turns out he was one serious freak. Apparently, he'd made some suggestive comments to a few of the women and later invited one to go to a Bondage/Fetish ball in San Francisco! Who'd pass that up?

Anyway, we want to prank the guy but I need something translated into proper Italian. Would you be able to do that?

Let me know.

Thank you,


(Who'd pass that up?....she meant berlusconi. no comment!)

Massimo Troisi

I Wish he was still here to move, enjoy, amuse.
I miss his style his movies his poetry.

">

How can people have this kind of sentences on their plates?
This one says:

If you gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

Clive Owen is the main character in The Boys Are back.
At first I thought I wanted to see it, but then I found out it's a story on a man, father of two boys, whose wife dies and he has to deal with this loss.
The story is so dramatic!

Clive Owen is Clive Owen, such a good actor (and a supersexy man and a beautiful British accent) but I cannot kill myself. Understand me Clive!

">

dall'oroscopo 2009 della vergine:

Sarete travolti da una grande passione e ricordate: il 2009 è un anno fertilissimo!

che fosse fertilissimo ce ne eravamo accorti!!!
che fosse una presa per il culo pure.
mi dispiacerebbe accorgermi che il 2009 mi riserva ulteriori prese per il culo.
ecco.

the moonshadows is a beautiful place.
on the ocean in malibu.
sipping and looking at the waves going back and forth.
relaxing, inspiring.
such a huge amount of restless water.

Yesterday I bought a pocket of Loacker, the Quadratini.
Today I've finished it!
They are bite size cookies.....bite after bite I ate all of them.
oh gosh!!!

this morning I was reading the Italian newspapers online,
there was a news about a research on abortion/miscarriage.
if you experienced an abortion or ms in your life, you have more chances to deliver your baby early or to give birth to a baby who is underweight.
it's what you need to begin the day, isn't it?
fuck.

he says i need to be optimistic.
i would like to know the direction towards optimism.
i cannot talk of what happened, i have no words, only tears.
really, cannot talk without crying.
also, what should i say? what's left?

I was tinking that you're beautiful, mom.
bellissima. And I'm lucky.
I love you sooo muchhhh.
I know you love me much more.
Thank you! I am so blessed.
I'll be always in debt with you.
bellissima.
really. you are.

tomorrow my mom will leave. She'll go back to Italy after one month with me here.
I am sad and happy at the same time.
Sad for obvious reasons and happy for the complete intimacy I will have again with him.

last night we went to an art gallery.
One of the people there told me "your coat is so cute!"
another noticed the little sentence on the back of my coat.
it says "you're important for me".
she asked me "I was wondering why it says for me, not to me"
hehehe, "it was made in Italy and they did not know" :) I answered.
it's interesting and fun when they openly comment your clothes.
in Italy it never happened to me.
here people just say what they want about your style.
i like it especially when it's a compliment.

le foto che non riesci nemmeno a guardare tanto fanno male.
quelle della sera prima.
gli ultimi istanti di una me che non esiste piu'.


waiting for friends to come over and eat ciambellone with cream and crema.
made by him.

I love living my life with you.
even when it's hard and painful.
I love making love with you.
I knew it was a matter of time.
I knew we had to wait and stay close while waiting.
What happened changed me, but it did not change my feelings for you and my curiosity for life.
I knew one day I would have found myself back to reality again. Out of the dark room, and I knew it would have been a rebirth. Now I feel much stronger than before.
I am not saying that pain is useful, that I have forgotten or forgiven life. Pain is pain and I would avoid it, (I would have avoided it), but there are times when you have to face it and go with the flow and sit down and wait and hope even when there is no hope. There is no shortcut, no easy way out. You have to go through everything and stay focused on survival and wait for a new season.

Now this season has come and I want to share it with you.
it's time to be happy again.
we deserve it.
strongly deserve it.

you told me I have changed, I already knew it.
this loss will always stay with me.
there is no room for oblivion.
there is no chance I can turn into the person I was before.
no way
no way
no way

anyway, all this to say that i can feel how much love flows between us when we make love.
it's not surprising that from all this love a new life began.
it was too short, but it happened and it was our precious miracle.
we were three and it was beautiful.
now......... it's beautiful again
and i want it to last for the next one hundred years.

Guess the City

20+4.
better not to find yourself thinking and counting. Unfortunately mind is faster than will.

our landlord has a disease called lyme. Since they diagnosed it late, she might take antibiotics for the next 5 (five!!) years.

she is funny. she does not wanna intrude our privacy, never knocks on our door, always sends email, never had coffee with us, she has never gone personal with us, never ever, but today, all of a sudden, she said: can't wait to see you pregnant again.


I almost fell down the stairs.

it's not time

if I openly say that I do not want to spend time with you, not now, not at this point, would I sound rude? Leave me alone please.

happiness

maybe it's here again.
maybe.

Obesity

Still wondering why the Americans are the fattest people in the world?
This is just for one. A single human being is supposed to it all that.
Between one slice of bread and the other there are 10 cm of food.

My Interview

Feng Shui for Architecture: an interview with R....



A few years after graduating with a Bachelor's Degree in Architecture from Cal Poly Pomona, Rhonna Del-Rio Ascolese discovered Feng Shui when she received two books on ancient Chinese philosophy from her father. Instantly she felt that she had to pursue it personally. It did not become apparent to her to follow it professionally until her family and friends grew respectful to her recommendations and asked for it regularly. She started incorporating Feng Shui with growing intensity to her personal design projects and soon enough her clients wanted the same for their own homes. One great result after another, Rhonna pushed it to the next level and took the certificate as a Feng Shui Professional (CFSP). Now if asked what architecture has to do with Feng Shui, she just replies "it has everything to do with it".

What does this Chinese philosophy add to your work as a designer?
Feng Shui contributes a way or a method to the placement of the elements used or incorporated in any building. It creates a guideline for how each element can co-exist in each building, room or any space. Together there is a certain rhythm or melody that happens in a space. In almost any case of architecture one does not want a space too hot, too cold, or too much of one element; however, even then with the help of Feng Shui there is way to locate where these areas can be best situated within the entire floor plan or building. For a space to serve balance for the end user, all the elements need to be aligned just right with each other in the creating and nurturing cycle such as: fire creates earth, earth creates metal, metal creates water, water creates wood and the cycle begins when water creates fire.

How challenging can it be to make Feng Shui work with architecture?
As any other form of co-existing, architecture and Feng Shui also have their challenges. As a designer, I need to express my concepts in certain ways to remain true to my excitement and imagination by experimenting with various combinations of material, colors and shapes. Ultimately, the goal is to create a space where these elements can benefit from each other in a nourishing way and to marry my clients' vision with my own as their designer and Feng Shui consultant. These situations at times have had my client and I going in circles for solution and weighing how it can all be in good rhythm with each other. In all my experience I've found that a beautiful solution and balanced composition is always created when combining architecture philosophy with ancient Feng Shui philosophy.

Can Feng Shui be used with any kind of room?
Absolutely. In fact Feng Shui, not known to many, is actually used in any space from an entire country, state, city, building, house, room, or the desk in any room and can be applied to something as small as business cards and clothing.

Why should we choose Feng Shui when building/designing our home?
There are many reasons and we could spend an entire day going over some of them but to give an example, Feng Shui works with the energies and forces of the earth's surface. In Feng Shui "drains" act as vacuums where good energy "chi" can get trapped in or fall away from someones space. Certain parts of our homes such as the bathroom or kitchen that require "drains" can either end up in our wealth area or the health area. It would be advisable to know at least the basics of where these "drains" can be best located in a home and any other prevention methods to avoid any good energy dedicated to wealth or health going down the "drain".

How expensive can it be to design our home following Feng Shui?
Except for the fees of a Feng Shui consultant, there is no difference in designing a home with or without Feng Shui. This Chinese philosophy works in how things are placed within the space. For example, a house using Feng Shui will also have as many bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen and the same roof, paint, furniture, fixtures appliances. The art of placement of these things is where Feng Shui comes in.

What kind of clients hire you?
They all have different career backgrounds such as: mortgage loan officers, designers, government workers, communication specialists, mothers, hair stylists, actors, yoga teachers, the list goes on. Feng Shui can help anyone wanting to incorporate balance and harmony in their lives.

At which phase of their home building/designing should clients hire you as a Feng Shui consultant?
Feng Shui philosophy can come in at any time of the project process and can work with whatever existing condition the project is at. However, the ideal time would be from the beginning phase when a concept hasn't been fully realized. I am able to do both building design using my architecture education and experience along with Feng Shui from the initial birth of the building concept all the way through the physical manifestation of the design. Also, when I am hired as a Feng Shui consultant to work with an architect or another designer the best time is in the very beginning so that I may explain a quick overview of the Feng Shui principles and basics to keep in mind while the hired architect or other designer pull an overall concept for the home. Then during the progress it is advisable that I am invited between certain time lapse so I may double check that things are staying as intended. Even though combining Feng Shui from the very beginning is easier, there is always a remedy for all conditions.

What kind of requests do you get from your clients?
I follow a strict rule and courtesy to keep my clients personal lives and requests private. But in general there are nine sectors on the Ba gua and each one takes a role in our lives, they are: family, wealth, health, mentor/travel, children/creativity, knowledge, fame/reputation, career and love/marriage. Each client would ask for certain areas of their lives to be enhanced and we start from there.

Have you ever had bizarre requests?
There had been some but it was more based on not knowing how Feng Shui really works, so it was more funny to hear and it became a great conversation starter.

Which are the most popular current trends in Feng Shui applied to architecture?
The remedies or adjustments are all based on the type of elements so I don't know if those elements would be considered a trend. However, fountains maybe the most auspicious and recommended to bring and invite "chi" (good energy) into any home and other buildings. If one was to research data of how many exterior or interior fountains sold this year versus last year, I think we would see a jump for total sold on record.

Does your home follow Feng Shui principles?
I maintain my home with the same Feng Shui principles I provide for my clients. As we need a regular physical check up at the doctors' and as much as we need to maintain our cars, we also need to reconfigure, maintain and provide a check up for the Feng Shui / good chi in the space we live or work in. What I do is when a certain part of my life feels somewhat "off" then I walk around my place and adjust those areas in each room. I recommend for all my clients to do the same, either by contacting me for a review "check up" consultation or by themselves using the documents mapping the Ba gua of their place with notes of recommendations for each room that I provide for them during the first consultation.

Dov'e' la clemenza?

Dov'e' il rumore del cuore di mia madre? Dov'e' il rumore di tutti i cuori che ho amato?


Yes, Where is your heartbeat? Where did it end up?

Not mine. It's a quote from a blog

E quando qualcuno mi chiede "cos'hai?" vorrei semplicemente rispondere cosa non ho più.

............................

I'll take a nap.
see u later.

happy to have you back.
we talked. Actually you talked, I was yelling.
But at the end we were together again.

thank you Aquilotta!

Proprio accanto al dolore del mondo,

e spesso sul suo suolo vulcanico, l’uomo ha

sistemato i suoi piccoli giardini di felicità.

Che si osservi la vita con lo sguardo di colui che

dell’esistenza vuole solo la conoscenza, o di colui

che si arrende e si rassegna, o di colui che si

allieta per la difficoltà superata, dappertutto

si troverà un pò di felicità, spuntata accanto

alla sventura, cioè tanta più felicità quanto

più il suolo era vulcanico…

F. Nietzsche

cancellato.

almost 3 months

I wish you were here.
This is the only thought I keep having in mind.
I look around and see happy mom-to-be or just-mom and I wonder why it happened to me to lose you. There are pains you can never forget.
My little love I will be missing you.

Suresuresure: how are you feelinngggggg???


Me: fine, thank you



(non fare sta faccia a piange per favore suresuresure!)

Cuore di Crema

Sometimes we have happiness and we're not aware of it.
it's a discovery a posteriori .
one day you wake up and the happiness is there, then it slips away, abruptly.
With no warning. And you simply collect all your strengths to pull through.
You wonder why the sun came into your life, enlightened it as never before and then disappeared. Why you were so blessed at first and punished later.
Questions and doubts and clouds and thunderstorms.
it doesn't matter how many tears you'll cry, You'll never find out why, and at some point you accept it. you stop questioning. it's your pain and it will always be.
you'll live with it.
then one day, out of the blue, your mind goes back to what happened and it hurts again.
the loss hurts so badly, with the same intensity, unchanged violence.


and suddenly you feel tired again.

She has turned the air conditioning on.
I do not think it's hot.
I am on the couch with a blanket on.
Outside it's summer but not unbearable.
spoiled Americans!

Well, I knew the bleeding could last up to 4 weeks.
What I did not know was how heavy the bleeding could get and how painful it could be.
Yesterday we were at friends' house when I started having cramps (contractions?), luckily we were about to leave when the pain started. I spent the rest of the day on the couch, walking back and forth from the living room to the kitchen, breathing deeply. I never take medicines but yesterday I had to, sent him to buy a painkiller and it took it one hour to give me relief. Besides the pain, which was mentally and physically overwhelming, I was afraid of an haemorrhage. I am missing only that, after all!
After four hours It stopped. Cannot tell how much blood I lost. It was like a horror movie. I got really scared.
This morning I was feeling well, went to santa monica promenade, bought a very nice tank top, even sexy!, but this afternoon I felt sick again.
I took one pill.
I have no patience and the pain is really strong.
The doctor says it's perfectly normal. It will be like this again.
Perfect!

Ecco

..........Inoltre non esistendo un rituale sociale del lutto nei casi di aborto, l'elaborazione di tale evento avviene sempre in un modo e in un contesto totalmente privati, ma il cordoglio dopo un aborto spontaneo e' intenso quanto quello provocato dalla morte del neonato o dalla morte di un adulto.

i was thinking that all this situation has one positive consequence: my tits!

Lo avevamo concepito a Las Vegas.
what happens in vegas stays in vegas.
evidentemente.

no need of doing the second surgery!
Now i am clean!!!!
the doctor was as happy as i was
at least this.
thankssssss!!!!

Seed

It's been one month. Today one month ago you started to slip away, my little seed.
I know you were not aware neither of yourself nor of us, of me and your father.
I know I am transferring my feelings to you.
But still I would like to whisper you I much I loved you, how much I cared, and how empty I have been feeling.
I was your mom since the first day I found out you were growing inside me.
I am so sorry you had to go, I would have done anything to keep you with us, anything.
Please believe me. I feel so lonely and useless and my days are so sad without you, my sweet, precious seed.

I am trying hard to go back to life.
Forgive me f I could not keep you safe in my belly.
I need to forgive myself. It's not easy. At all.

My angel, you will always stay with me.

make me good God. But not yet.

and so on

missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou
missyou missyou missyou missyou missyou

tomorrow he's gonna be in Vegas all day.
He'll leave around 6.30 in the morning and we'll be back late at night.
that's going to be a day to forget. I know, already know.
I'll work a couple of hours, try to exercise and wait all day for him to come home.
maybe I'll go wax and buy a little present for a friend's daughter, just born.
gosh, I'm surrounded by people with babies.

also.....i need to wash my hair!! absolutely, no more procrastination.
i usually wash it everyday, now it's been two days without washing it and it's disgusting!!


tomorrow my last antibiotics! yeah!
then I'll see the doctor and find out if there's something left inside.
hopefully everything is clean now, otherwise little surgery, for the second time. This time they will put me to sleep. Hopefully not for good!

guardare stanca

They are moving to a new place.
I watch them move boxes and furniture, then I come back home and sleep.
watching is tiring.

Seal(ing)

I feel in shape.
Like a seal.

Tonight I am thinking of my grandma.
She was sweet and loved me.
I wish I could hug her one more time.
and hear her "Tesoro mio" once again.

I would like to tell her about the little spot that flew away.

The process will be slow.
Now I know.
I realize it everyday a little bit more.
Now that my life is apparently moving forward I feel that the pain is even harder.
The sense of loss is getting deeper and deeper.
Unbelievable how much a "little dot" can change your priorities.
And now that the little dot has gone, everything else has gone.


At some point I will be better, it will happen for sure.
Think positive, think positive, think positive.

there are people, supposed to be your friends, who disappear.
the pain is scary.

however i am slowly getting better
one step at a time.

Things have happened.
My mother arrived at the end of April, stayed for 3 weeks and today she has left. I already miss her. This house has taken her smell. it's full of details, they talk of her presence.
During her stay I had a miscarriage.
something I would never wish to my worst enemy.
i am desperately angry and sad.
i hope to be able to be happy again some day.
right now it's all a big black hole and i'm lost in it.
all my friends are giving birth to their babies, i was the one with the ticket for miscarriage.
why did it happen to me? (why not?)
maybe if i had already a kid i would feel stronger. Maybe not.
this is like hell.

suresuresure

Our landlord called me today.
She wanted to let us know that a program on the most famous Italian vineyard was about to go on air. Also, she is going to pay for the cable tv and will install it in our apartment as a treat. she is nice, isn't she?

mamma mia

Well, love can really change things!
Yesterday I decided to take a break from this blog because I did not have much to say, but today I feel like writing in here. Something happened actually, my mom has arrived in LA. She will be staying for three weeks.
Her presence makes me feel better, relaxed, in a good mood.

Over the last weeks lots of sad events have happened, I did not write about them because I was overwhelmed and i still do not want to write about them, but i want to remember how happy i am today.

she brought her smile, her love, some food from italy, some clothes for me.

i think we will go to the desert soon.
i wanna see it and want her to see it.


also I have discovered a kind of tomatoes, small and red, that i like a lot.
they're really tasty

and the oil we brought in LA from Corning is goooood.

the two together are perfect!

I think I am going to put this blog in stand-by.

it's bright again

Today the sun is shining, finally!
many many thanks for your comments.

she was exactly like 40 years ago.
could not do anything.
i am wondering what my mother felt.
what my grandfather felt.
life is bizarre.


in huge need of good news.
oh yeas something good happened,
we went to vegas, gambled 5 dollars, won 1600.

tra qualche minuto riapriranno la tomba di mia nonna, morta 40 anni fa.
La metteranno in una cassettina o come diavolo si chiama.
mi vengono i brividi solo a pensarlo.
mio nonno, 87 anni, vuole esserci.
mia madre dovra' esserci, perche' lui da solo non puo' andare.
si e' messo in testa di fare questa cosa della cassettina cosi' quando muore puo' starle accanto.
dopo la morte di mio zio, mio nonno sta giu' e si e' deciso ora a fare questa cosa perche' e' stanco, non so se voglia morire presto o se teme che morira' presto.
di certo fa pensieri brutti.
sono preoccupata per nonno e per mia madre che dovra' assistere a questa cosa penosa.
ho bisogno di rilassarmi.
mi perseguita un senso di catastrofe imminente
sono sempre preoccupata che qualcosa stia per succedere
mi chiedo sempre se vada tutto bene oppure no
penso che non siamo niente in questa vita.
lo sapevo gia', lo sanno tutti che e' cosi', ma al momento qualcosa si e' bloccato dentro me. aspetto che riparta.
e' come se fosse caduto il senso.
sto pensando di tornare in italia.
a fare non so che.
ma questa lontananza mi distrugge.
mi pare tempo perso.
sono tutte emozioni che si accavallano, prendo tempo, respiro, ma mi sento stretta all'angolo.
faccio finta di niente, mi diverto pure, ma arranco.
e vorrei essere accanto a mia madre in questo momento.
ho parlato con mia cugina.
si chiede che cosa pensi il figlio della morte improvvisa e prematura del nonno.
dice che lui e' come me, e' silenzioso, tiene tutto dentro.
bel modo del cazzo di essere.
come me.
dentro muori e fuori vivi.

I remember you in L.A.

no title

I spend all day out, maybe soon i will enjoy my new house.
now i cannot. i need to stay busy, in the sun, around people.
my mind often zones out but there is not much i can do to stay focused on conversations.
i do what i can.
and at the end of the day i am always very tired.
i stay out eight, nine hours a day.
this is what i want right now.


does friendship exist?
real friendship, i mean.

fever?

I think I'm getting sick.
i am cold and have a headache.
waiting for him to finish his work.
do not want to be alone at home.
because of his death i always fear that something bad is about to happen.
it's unbelievable how crazy life is. how unpredictable.
i am speechless, hard to accept that i will not see him anymore.
death is forever.
god.

death

We moved to the new house.

I am sad because of my uncle's death, it was unexpected, it happened fast and left everybody shocked.
I am nervous and weak.
during the day I feel stronger, i can manage the pain, at night, as soon as the dark comes, i deflate.

from the bedroom's window I can see the valley.
it's a very nice view.

i want to go back to life.
i feel sad for my aunt, my cousins, for my mom, for my grandfather, for everybody.
i wish i was there.
it's hard to be here and not to share the pain with my relatives.
tomorrow he will be buried, above his son, dead 18 years ago at the age of 18 in a car accident. i like thinking they are together now.

fortunately he is with me, he is very sweet.
when i found out what happened, i was angry, and still i am.
he hugged me for a long time.


i need to sleep.
last night i was awake almost all night, i cried a lot.
i was looking forward to moving to the new place and as soon as i stepped into it, i received this bad news. that's mean. that's unfair.

i know i will go back to a good mood,
right now i feel trapped into a dark tunnel.
i will miss him.
a lot.
a lot.
a lot.
more than that.

ciao zio.

Italian

Sometimes my students come up with expressions that I like.
Here is one:
andiamo alla casa.

or:
cellulino instead of cellulare;
peluchera instead of parruchiera;
assicuranza instead of assicurazione;


that's all I can remember so far.

Garbanzo beans

Home-made hummus

the new apartment

I think we have found the apartment we like.
It's in the hills, surrounded by the green, the trees. it does not look like los angeles.
It's a 2 bedroom/ 2 bathroom apartment.
It's a private patio.
it's a wonderful bathroom, with REAL TILES, two sinks.
Hardwood floor everywhere.
fireplace.
three big closets.
the only thing is the small kitchen. it has a dining room but he is a bit unhappy with the kitchen.

I think tomorrow morning we will call her and take the apartment.

i am so tiredddddd

Updating

Today I have taken my first Spanish class.
My classmates are very slow: they are all over 60 and all English native speakers.
They make me feel a genius.
They are nice and always smiling, that's enough.

I am trying to make some change in my life.
The next step is starting yoga classes.
I need to stretch my body and my mind.
I need something smooth, yoga seems so.
Spinning is the opposite.

Going back to a good mood?
not sure, not yet.
but life is a step after the other.
Let's start moving again.

Strangers

I have always wondered who drives those little, cute cars. Now I have the answer: little, cute ladies.


a stranger told me this while walking her dog.
It's fun how strangers easily tell you things out of the blue.

patience

there is always a deeper level of boredom and a higher level of patience.
you think it cannot be more boring than now. Instead it can and it does.
you think you cannot be more patient than you have been so far. Instead you can and you do. I am wondering how much boredom is left and how much patience is left.
sometimes I wish there is nothing else left.
It would be the beginning of something, I guess.
I am sick of all this.

Uh!

I feel like a ball.
Lately have been eating so much that I am surprising myself.
I think I am nervous, I always eat when I am nervous.
or bored.


My breast hurts so much that I cannot sleep lying face down;
My bt has gone up;
I often feel dizziness;
My belly hurts a little bit;
My mood has quick (and scary) ups and downs. From happiness to anger in one sec.;
My sexual desire has increased. REALLY INCREASED. Something like looooong sessions! I am afraid I will kill him with all this sex;

Maybe I am going back to a regular hormonal balance after something like nine months!
Maybe my ovaries/brain have waken up. HOPEFULLY!!!!

It sucks

STUCK.

Five Years

They say that it takes 5 years to really adjust to Los Angeles.
I have been here five years now (and a few months).
I think I can say it is true. It does take five years.
When I first moved here I felt lost in this city, so spread out, with no center, no suburbs.
Everything was the center and the suburbs at the same time.
It was so far and different from all I was used to that I could barely handle it.
I felt overwhelmed so many times. At some point I stopped counting how many times.
I desperately tried to go with the flow and survive all the emotions.
I found myself defeated and scary and lonely for months.
I had to find my place in such a new world that now and then I was deeply sad and wanted to go back home to Italy. I was drowning. And I could barely keep my head off the pain. Sometimes not even that.

But now that feeling is over.
Now I know that I am home here too.
I feel it.
I have my balance, my happiness.
I am much stronger.
After such a dark period, now I know I am fine with myself and the world around me.
I can enjoy staying here.
Driving is not scary anymore.
Talking is not necessarily ad adventure through misunderstanding, guessing and silence.
Everything is familiar and sometimes I even find it funny ;) .
I went through such a difficult time that now I am proud of what I have become.
Five years ago I was as frail as leaves are.
Now I am as strong and solid as roots are.
I went through that painful process on my own and I knew nobody could have ever helped me.
I knew I had to work on myself with no external help.
It's a strength that one day you just find within yourself and that's you the only one who built it, step by step, brick after brick. It may happen and it may not happen, in my case it happened. I had that strength and I know it will stay with me forever.
I know that I could never go back to that dark period.
It's another me now. Now I can stand on my feet with non help. I know I can survive.
And I did it all alone.

After five years I have really adjusted to Los Angeles.
This implies that I have been cutting my ties with friends in Italy.
I am not too sorry for that.
It's life.
We have walked through different paths, made opposite choices.
I wish them all the best but there is not much left.

And if I push this thought farther, I ask myself: Will I stay here for good?
Do not think so, but time will tell.
And I am not in a rush.

Palm Springs

The two days in Palm Springs were a pure pleasure.
we took the tramway, in ten minutes it leads you from the desert up to the mountain. it goes quick. it's beautiful and scary at the same time. there was the snow, from above we could see the desert with its 80 degrees.

Palm Springs: 15000 people, 52 percent gay!

the hotel was nice, welcoming, Moroccan, small, clean and with the pool.
we visited a couple of friends too.

Facebook

I got caught in the facebook world.
I am still trying to find a good way to use it.
It's interesting that I have been contacted by people who barely say hello when they meet me. This is the power of the Internet, I guess, you can establish some sort of a contact, but still feel protected. Near and far at the same time.
People who request to be your friend but then never leave a message on your "wall".
They stay there, in your list of friends like props.

We are looking for a new place to live.
The research is tiring especially when you do it while working.
You go on the Internet, select the places that you would like to have a look at, send him the pics, wait for his response, call the landlords/owners, schedule an appointment, drive there, find a spot to park you car, most of the areas require parking permits, see the apartment, try not to get confused between what you have seen, what you will see and what you want to see.
Life is hard, no doubt!

Also, this weekend we will go to palm springs.
A short vacation, which he really needs.

!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqantZJ6WwM

stressed out already

All day with him at the hyatt for work.
tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, same thing.
i need a vacation.
!!!
we will go back and forth from los angeles to long beach.

this weekend or the one after we will go to palm springs, i think.
two days off.

he has been working a lot.
he worked three weeks in italy, now he is still waiting to relax.
and we are not even rich!!!


(boh!)

sweets from Hawaii

do you know the typical sweets from Hawaii?
it's nuts covered with chocolate.
something like 3000 calories each piece.
well, today I've had five of them.
delicious.

Los Angeles, here we are/I am

We are back in L.A.
before leaving i am always desperately sad and then, once here, all the sadness disappears. why is that? Is that normal? is that common?



it's 8.34pm and i am trying to keep my eyes open.

on the plane i read "Malamore" by Concita De Gregorio.
I loved it.
I suggest it to all the women/mothers.

brain off.
good night.